I just needed to find a place to vent. I am so frustrated and angry. From the last BD, which was probably the fifth one in the last 4 years, things have gotten better. She is no longer making a move to separate. There is plenty of peace in the home. We are nice to one another. When I leave for work in the morning she gives me a quick hug and kiss goodbye. When we go to sleep at night she gives me a kiss good night and she says "I love you."
But there is no intimacy beyond that and its been that way for 4 months. Prior to the BD its not like there was a lot of intimacy either, there really hasn't been much in 4 years (surprise!) since she had an emotional (as far as I know that's all it was) affair.
Oh boy. Well that's a tough spot to be sure, once your M ends up in a sexless state is it VERY difficult to reestablish sex. Has this been discussed in MC? If so, what is her explanation? If not, why has it not been brought up?
Now the following is getting into conjecture so take it with a grain of salt. If I had to guess, I'd say she went wayward back when she had the EA, and that she is still a WW. A key component in a W going WW is that they have lost respect for their H. Once the respect is gone, so is the sex appeal and even if she has sex with you it's likely to be purely for physical reasons. Now if she is WW, then you've got a difficult road ahead. Either you live with things as-is or you make some tough choices. If you live with things as-is things may never change. I've seen situations where a WW continued in a sexless marriage for YEARS simply because it was convenient and because she didn't want to upset the kids. So if that's not acceptable, then here come the tough choices. You take the stance that since she fired you as H, you're no longer going to play family with her. No hanging out together as a family, no doing her favors, no "ILY", no nighty night kisses on the cheek, no vacations together, etc. You treat it as an IHS and go as dark as possible on her.
If she is WW then she has got to learn to miss you, and start seeing you as a strong, independent, healthy, virile man before the respect will start coming back. You don't do this by doubling down on housework and chores. You do it by working on yourself and leaving her alone. Get in shape (or in better shape). Improve your wardrobe. Start wearing cologne. Keep yourself well groomed. Get a tan. Buy some nice shoes. Start going out more with friends. Get out and GAL.
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I'm angry though. And I'm kind of sick of putting my life on hold.
Then don't. Make a life for yourself without her. THAT is the very thing that might attract her back.
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I'm also so worried about my kids. I really think a divorce would destroy the foundation of their lives.
It is certainly not optimal, but they will make it through. Many have before them, and many will after them.
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I've done it all.
And it didn't work. So do the opposite. Work on the M by letting go of it and her.
