"Walking out of the Valley" 2.0

[hoosjim]

The affair was started because her emotional needs were not being met. I was never around. I coach so I am gone most of the time. Days off or on the weekends I would play a lot of golf. We never ever had fights or arguments. Intimacy had gone down as well and as you can tell from my story this is a big one for my wife. If she could have it her way she would be intimate everyday. She even suggested us doing an everyday challenge a few years back.

It is hard to see this thing being saved without me losing my sanity because she has not and will not end her affair. If it were to be saved it is going to take us splitting up and eventually getting back together

P, other than the part about being a coach, you could have cut and pasted your description of your MR and your W into my own early threads and no one would know the difference. My MR was very much an intimacy-starved and SSM, and my W was very much a "physical touch" LL and high sex-drive... It is great that you realize that and even better that you are starting to realize there is no path back for the two of you that does not involve some level of separation. I offer the following, however:

Do NOT blame yourself or put 100% of the burden of the failed MR on you because "I neglected her." I made the same mistake early on and, despite being unhelpful and in fact even counterproductive in the context of reconciliation, it is just flat out not true! When I was shaken out of my lethargic fog by DB, and subsequently came to the realization that things i had done may have so badly hurt someone that i cared so much about, and in the process destroyed the most important relationship in my life, I was devastated... it was literally the worst psychic pain i had ever felt...it was actually physical, like knife in the chest (As I believe i wrote about at the time.) But... the thing is, it was NOT all my fault, even as your situation is NOT all yoir fault. Marriage is a partnership... a two-way relationship... for better or worse, and both I and my W and you and your W walked the path that got you to this horrible place... TOGETHER. Except in outlying cases of severe physical abuse and the like, It takes neglect and lack of communication and isolation and selfishness by BOTH spouses for a MR to become so damaged. There were undoubtedly numerous exit ramps on the highway to hell you two travelled... that BOTH of you neglected to take. So, yeah, own your side of the street, apoligize and take responsibility (once, and in a manly fashion, at least until such time as you make it to MC) if you must (and it seems like you already have) and then MOVE ON... but don't beat yourself up continually and feel/act like this whole thing is exclusively your fault because that is JUST. NOT. ACCURATE, Your W made the decision to step outside of the MR... and THAT is on her... NOT on you. Maybe you need to meditate daily and have a mantra: "I did not force my W to commit adultery... I did not force my W to commit adultery... etc etc"...

Also, you need to just be done with her... right now... and go completely dark. As others have noted, you have repeatedly asked her to leave and she has repeatedly flipped you the bird... at least figuratively. The simple fact of the matter is that you cannot physically force her to leave. You can, however, go dark, even while she is in the house, and only communicate with her (in a calm, confident, upbeat fashion) when absolutely necessary (kids, finances), and, at all other times, let her seeing you livie your awesome new life without her... because you ARE having an awesome new life...Which means you can't fake it... well, maybe fake it till you make it a little in terms of your cheerful demeanor... but in terms of self improvement ABSOLUTELY getting out of the house as much as possible while she is there and doing FUN, awesome things that help you grow as a person. Involve your kids as well-- they need some happy moments in this difficult time. But just ignore the HELL out of her for the time being. I have repeatedly written on here that, in WW terms, "She will never find you more attractive than when you are walking away". In my own sitch, my journey to that "Walking away" point was far from conventional, and I in no way engineered it or forced it... it was simply an act of divine providence and a product of the path I walked to that point... a path which included massive 180s and significant GALs and a whole whole whole lot of living that did NOT include her. Your own path is very cloudy to me... I am not sure how, if ever, your R with your W will get to that point, and if she does it is almost certainly months if not years away... but I DO know damned well that it will certainly never get there unless you LET HER GO, go DARK to her, and start living your own life for YOU and improving yourself in the most awesome ways possible to turn yourself into AMOAFWL... if you do that, it is pretty much gauranteed that, relationship wise, whoever you eventually end up with, it wont be any ol' damned fool... it will prolly be somebody pretty awesome... and your W will never get to that point (even if she is still capable of it) until you drop the rope and cut the cord!

You can have an awesome and amazing life... with or without her! But the only part of that equation you control is YOU! BE THE BEST YOU YOU CAN BE AND FORGET ABOUT THIS CHEATING WW OF YOURS... she is not the girl you fell in love with and married.