(((HopeCa))). So sorry you are going through this. I know how hard this is. I also know that there is life after divorce...and it is as good as you make it. I don’t say that to discourage you from the hope that you have that you and your H will R at some point. Anything is possible. However, I do want to caution you.
The thing is...after BD, it feel like the situation is so very new and it is, to the LBS. However, it is not new for the WS/WAS. They have been feeling this way and thinking about D for a LONG time... in some cases it has been for years. With my XH it had been about five years. That’s a lot of thinking and feeling and justifying and feeding of resentments that has to happen for them to get to the point of BD. This is not a decision they are going to step back from easily. It took too much for them to build up the courage to do it. They fear the D but they fear going backwards and having to go through it all again EVEN MORE. Of course they will have doubts and you will see them waiver from time to time. And when they do, most won’t slow down to think and reevaluate their decision making. Most will double down and push forward which is why we often see them become hard and steely-eyed so quickly after we saw them waiver and show some softness towards us.
The other thing to keep in mind is that they don’t want to hurt us. They don’t. Ironic given that they probably hurts us more than anyone ever has but it’s the truth. So when they start to see how much we are hurting, they throw us a bone and do what your H did. I had similar communications from my H...that he was hurting, trying to figure things out, working on himself, etc... What he should have said to me is that he was figuring out how to D with as little pain and upset as possible but that was the extent of it. For the vast majority of us on here, D is inevitable but it doesn’t mean there isn’t a possibility of R in the future. ANYTHING can happen. So you can hope for that but you shouldn’t count on it or make your decisions based on it. Your marriage, as you knew it, is OVER and you need to accept this and take the focus off of him and put it back on you. For real. 100%. Anything less than that cements you as Plan B and Plan B is only attractive to a WS if they firmly believe Plan A isn’t going to work. Even then, they still may skip over Plan B and try to come up with a Plan C. Remember what they say on here... If he wants to come back, you will know it. If he doesn’t, you will be confused. Truer words were never spoken.
I am so sorry Hope. I would love nothing more than to say that I think the confusion he has shown is a good sign. But I can’t because I don’t believe it is. I just think it is par for the course and what I read in his response is him trying to soften the blow...trying not to hurt you. I think May is right too. When he talks about not making big decisions...he is referring to changing his mind on the D. Trust me...what he is doing in his reflection time is building his resolve and courage to keep the train moving down the track. Remember...he has been working towards this in his mind for a long time. To him, the worst is over. He’s told you. He’s moved out. It would take a major shift for him to turn back now. (((HUGS)))
