[SteveLW]

I just needed to find a place to vent. I am so frustrated and angry. From the last BD, which was probably the fifth one in the last 4 years, things have gotten better. She is no longer making a move to separate. There is plenty of peace in the home. We are nice to one another. When I leave for work in the morning she gives me a quick hug and kiss goodbye. When we go to sleep at night she gives me a kiss good night and she says "I love you."

But there is no intimacy beyond that and its been that way for 4 months. Prior to the BD its not like there was a lot of intimacy either, there really hasn't been much in 4 years (surprise!) since she had an emotional (as far as I know that's all it was) affair.

I'm angry though. And I'm kind of sick of putting my life on hold. And I'm ticked that I'm the one that has to be patient. In marriage counseling this last time the counselor asked her if she was in and she said she didn't know. She says we have big issues we have to deal with before she can commit but the reality is the issues can't be worked on if she doesn't freaking commit.

I never thought I would be where I'm at. I was committed. For me, marriage was a lifetime commitment. So because of my values and my faith I'm trapped and have to wait until she figures it out. I'm also so worried about my kids. I really think a divorce would destroy the foundation of their lives.

The marriage functions in a way that isn't detrimental to them, it is a positive for them. The family has a good life. It's just that I don't have a wife.

I don't think I'm capable of pulling the plug and I don't know if I'm capable of stepping further back to put more pressure on the situation either. I feel very stuck, stuck in a bad marriage where I can't do anything to fix or improve it (trust me I've tried. I've done it all. Our first marriage counselor said "Scott, I've never seen a husband do so much work to change and improve, its really incredible. Unfortunately, its just not enough.") Well, we didn't go back to him and that was 2 years ago.

There is no magic to this.

I know GAL. Detach. I'm working to detach and I've done pretty well. Do I reject the last kiss of the night and the hug and kiss in the morning when I walk out the door to completely detach?

My marriage counselor wants me to do the opposite. She wants me to give my wife a hug when I want a hug, to ask for what I want. What I want is no more of this BS.

I'm fit, I've got a good job, I'm a great dad, I don't gamble or drink. I just can't understand why I have to continue to go through this. It makes me want to have a good cry.

Scott, have you read the book No Mr. Nice Guy? I highly recommend it. The book literally changed my life, and was, along with DR, a book I credit with saving my marriage.

I am seeing a lot of NGS in this post. Your MC is correct. You NEED to ask for what you want. Nice guys think that if they are fit, have a good job, are a great dad, don't gamble and drink, then they should just magically get what they want. It is called a covert contract. Your W can't be expected to read your mind any more than you can read hers!

So get NMMNG. Learn to express your needs explicitly. Learn to let go of anger and resentment. Learn to stop being passive-aggressive. (BTW, that's what "Do I reject the last kiss of the night and the hug and kiss in the morning when I walk out the door to completely detach?" is, passive-aggressiveness, and it will not get you what you want!)

Also, your sitch doesn't call for detachment in the traditional DB sense as much as it calls for self-differentiation in marriage. Google: self-differentiation in marriage.

You say "I know GAL" like it is a chore. GAL is about rediscovering that enjoyment in life, that fun side of yourself as individual. Healthy MR are not two needy, overly dependent (codependent) people coming together. Healthy MR as two happy, healthy, self-differentiated people coming together. Our society has too much of the first and not enough of the last, which is why are D rates are so high.

You should also start researching MWD's video and writings on the Sex Starved Marriage. She has excellent resources to help couples in that situation!

You are in a good place. You have a loving W, that appears to be over her EA, that is still affectionate with you. Are you filling her love tank? Another book to read is The 5 Love Languages. Most people try to love their spouse the way that they themselves want to be loved. You have to love your spouse according to her love languages, not yours.

You got this. Keep progressing and growing. Things can get better, just keep working. Oh, and stop FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. That is what a Nice Guy does.