I just needed to find a place to vent. I am so frustrated and angry. From the last BD, which was probably the fifth one in the last 4 years, things have gotten better. She is no longer making a move to separate. There is plenty of peace in the home. We are nice to one another. When I leave for work in the morning she gives me a quick hug and kiss goodbye. When we go to sleep at night she gives me a kiss good night and she says "I love you."

But there is no intimacy beyond that and its been that way for 4 months. Prior to the BD its not like there was a lot of intimacy either, there really hasn't been much in 4 years (surprise!) since she had an emotional (as far as I know that's all it was) affair.

I'm angry though. And I'm kind of sick of putting my life on hold. And I'm ticked that I'm the one that has to be patient. In marriage counseling this last time the counselor asked her if she was in and she said she didn't know. She says we have big issues we have to deal with before she can commit but the reality is the issues can't be worked on if she doesn't freaking commit.

I never thought I would be where I'm at. I was committed. For me, marriage was a lifetime commitment. So because of my values and my faith I'm trapped and have to wait until she figures it out. I'm also so worried about my kids. I really think a divorce would destroy the foundation of their lives.

The marriage functions in a way that isn't detrimental to them, it is a positive for them. The family has a good life. It's just that I don't have a wife.

I don't think I'm capable of pulling the plug and I don't know if I'm capable of stepping further back to put more pressure on the situation either. I feel very stuck, stuck in a bad marriage where I can't do anything to fix or improve it (trust me I've tried. I've done it all. Our first marriage counselor said "Scott, I've never seen a husband do so much work to change and improve, its really incredible. Unfortunately, its just not enough.") Well, we didn't go back to him and that was 2 years ago.

There is no magic to this.

I know GAL. Detach. I'm working to detach and I've done pretty well. Do I reject the last kiss of the night and the hug and kiss in the morning when I walk out the door to completely detach?

My marriage counselor wants me to do the opposite. She wants me to give my wife a hug when I want a hug, to ask for what I want. What I want is no more of this BS.

I'm fit, I've got a good job, I'm a great dad, I don't gamble or drink. I just can't understand why I have to continue to go through this. It makes me want to have a good cry.