Moving Forward

[may22]

Hi Hope,

Yes, ridiculous to not be making any big decisions right now... you know, except getting divorced. Ha. Ha. Ha.

My guess is he feels it is already in motion so the "decision" would be to actively work to stop it rather than to keep going with the motions.

I think it is good that he is focusing on himself, being healthy, etc. He can't be a good partner to you (either as a H or co-parent) if he is so f***ed up, and so the fact that he is able to recognize this AND open enough to share it back with you seems positive.

Last time I allowed my hopes and expectations to go way up, and I’ve been suffering a lot these last couple of days. I need to put concerted effort into allowing the positives to exist in a way that I can observe, of course I will hope, but I must MUST temper my expectations of what it means or doesn’t mean, because I have no idea.

I also have the hardest time with separating my hopes from expectations. I like how you put that-- allow positives to exist in a way that you can observe, but don't put any expectations into it one way or the other. Maybe try to observe it like a biologist observing an animal in the wild... oooh, H did this behavior or said these words, interesting... but stop yourself from trying to analyze the why.

I know it is hard. So hard. I ugly cried tonight for the first time in a pretty long while. I ordered a book on divorce and it came, H saw it. Suddenly all starting to feel more real.