Thank you to everyone who posts here and replies to my posts. It does help to feel connected to others who empathize with us. I’ve never been much of a joiner in terms of groups, teams or boards like these, but I get it now. It helps to feel less alone.
Update— I did something that is frowned upon here, not at all DB approved. But, I followed my heart. I sent my H a text that told him how I felt about us and what’s happening and what’s possible, and I asked him on a date. I know, I know. It sounds completely insane and foolish and pathetic etc. But I followed my gut. I got the following response, which is way, way more positive than what I was bracing myself for, and is also vague and confusing:
H: I really appreciate what you’re saying and I think about it a lot. It does feel like things could be good and it has felt nice lately even though I can’t 100% relax, old scars. I have been struggling really hard with myself and all of my emotions and thoughts about everything. I have been making very conscious efforts not to make any big decisions in this time. I think that having a “date” with you would be dangerous(emotionally) for me. I am in a time of real growth, not drinking, exercising, doing yoga, going to bed early, trying to nurture myself. I feel a bit lost, frail. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
If nothing else, this tells me what I suspected, which is that he is not sure what he wants. That is different than being positive he wants a divorce, so I’ll take it. I am going to use this as a true learning moment for myself. Last time I allowed my hopes and expectations to go way up, and I’ve been suffering a lot these last couple of days. I need to put concerted effort into allowing the positives to exist in a way that I can observe, of course I will hope, but I must MUST temper my expectations of what it means or doesn’t mean, because I have no idea. He is sharing that he is feeling lost and having a hard time. I’m taking that at face value.
