I guess I still struggle with believing this is a crisis he's in, that it's not just, you know, me being the problem. On a rational level, I understand it can't be as simple as that—one day he suddenly realizes he's been unhappy for years and that he can't be happy with me; divorce; he's happy!; the end. But on an emotional level...
He's been slighter warmer and less shut-down with me since I've been back after the holidays. I think of the "Why the MLCer is so distant..." homework thread and Job's reminder: the main ingredient of MLC is depression. They will surface from time to time and seem friendlier, more normal. I look back over my journal for the past seven months and see this pattern repeat. (Yet I still think from time to time—wait—see, he's not depressed. He's not struggling. He never loved you. You're imagining all of this.)
Cardinal - You are not alone. Sometimes ...actually most the time my H seems so “normal” that I completely slip into that mindset and have to remind myself that’s he’s hit almost every MLC branch on the way down the tree. EA, extreme confusion, lying, extreme working out, motorcycle, extreme spending. It’s very hard for the human mind to make sense of the seemingly sudden irrational switch off of feelings pre and post BD. Your H sounds similar to mine in that he also won’t talk about anything let alone our R/M. (Pls correct me if I have that wrong) so my mind goes to the hurtful half truths and some truths that he spewed at BD...and then the self blame creeps in...” he never loved you”...”I’m using MLC as an excuse to ease the truth that I caused my marriage to fail”....I have to remind myself that regardless of any R issues THIS is NOT how you treat anyone let alone your life partner. The difficult thing to do is talk and solve issues...the easy thing to do is blame others and run. You are not crazy and you are not to blame.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I no longer see these friendlier interludes as indicative of any long-term positive trend, but the problem is that I know there is a tiny subconscious part of my brain that is collecting positive interactions and hoping, hoping, hoping, while the rest of my brain is saying, "THE D IS COMING! You will be disappointed. Why do you keep doing this?" It seems to run in the background like some computer virus...
Again, I guess with our situations being a month apart we are very close in the things we are thinking and feeling. He asks if I want food, tea, watches tv with me....then emails me beginning stages of S papers. Fixes my car headlight for me (without me asking) then makes a nasty comment. THIS is the emotional roller coaster I fully realize I have to get off of...I believe I have one foot off but need to remove the other. Everything takes time and I do my best to celebrate the small victories I achieve. I have *almost fully stopped snooping. I know, I know it only causes more hurt and makes me feel awful! Continue to give yourself a break and realize YOU did not cause this and control only what we can control. If only I could take my own advice!!! Lol Hugs
