The thing that I struggle with is whether I should be intimate at all with him when he goes right back to his emotional distancing in the basement right after the deed is done. For those who are still intimate with a Wayward spouse, how did you deal with that?
IMHO, when it's the wife who is wayward and is having an affair (or conducting inappropriate behavior with OM) .......the LBH should not be intimate with her. Heck, I don't think he should even show any physical affection, b/c her waywardness is due to her lack of respect for him as a man. WW's will often use sex to manipulate the H, or use the H as the substitute sex tool while she fantasizes about OM. So, if she knows that her H knows about the OM, she will see her H wanting intimacy and affection as weakness. It doesn't make her think more of the LBH.....it builds the wall of disrespect even higher. The only thing a WW respects is strength. If her H wants to be intimate with her, knowing she has betrayed him and currently cheating........she will see him as being weak and see herself as being in a position of power, so to speak. It's unhealthy, and hard to recover from that level of disrespect. The goal of the LBH should be to, first, get his W's RESPECT for him as a man, before he engages in physical affection with her. Just b/c she offers it, doesn't mean rip! She is simply using him. I know that some men will read this and laugh, maybe joke with the other guys that they aren't going to turn down sex. But that's the thing........the WW manipulates him through sex, and if he can't turn her away when she is horribly betraying him, then she will see him as a pathetic excuse for a man. Even though some LBH's on the board may suggest it's okay just as long as they have no expectation...... I shake my head and think, HA! LBH's are fooling themselves. Don't have sex with someone who detests you.........especially if it is your WW.
Once the WW ends her affair and stops all contact with the OM and agrees to her H's conditions regarding reconciliation.........THEN he can have sex with her. I want to believe the same can be said about either spouse who has cheated, but realistically, I just think it's easier to get a wayward H back, than a WW.......b/c it isn't easy for a husband to get back lost respect. It's certainly not impossible, and that's why I try to share what I've learned from the WW side of the street. If there has been no infidelity, then I think it is a lot easier for a LBW to draw her H back, due to how men are wired.
It's a little complicated for me to put into words, but I believe men & women think & respond differently, b/c their makeup is not the same. Yes, they may see eye-to-eye, like the same things, and share the same moral and spiritual beliefs, etc..........but I'm not referring to those type of things. I mean how they respond to emotional type of things. Like, men may hear the same scenario as a woman, but they will respond differently due to how they are wired. They are two different creatures/beings. Certain behavior in men will stimulate a positive, even desirable response in women. However, it won't necessarily be the same actions/behavior that brings positive/desirable responses from men. Make sense? In order for a wife to feel desire for her husband, she has to feel respect for him as a man. (That's a little something God put in the woman after man messed up a good thing in the garden. ;)) I'm not saying it's not important for the H to respect the W, but I don't think it has the impact on his sexual love/desire, to the degree it has on the W. After marriage, traditionally, the H is placed as the leader over his family. Traditionally, he is the main provider and protector over his family. It's like he is the president and the W is vice-president. Even if they agree about most everything, if there is a disagreement, someone has to have the final say. If the W habitually calls the shots, then she will eventually lose respect for the H, and that will affect her level of desire. You see, the W has to accept that he is the president in their house, and whenever she tries to change that order.......there will be issues. I don't want anyone having a heart attack when they read this post.....or misunderstand what I'm trying to say about the W respecting her H. (This is why I said it's complicated for me to put into words.)
During the life span of the woman, she will have high drive, low drive, and no drive. I have read that men are capable of departmentalizing everything in their life, and sex happens to be one of those things. IMHO, it's very different for most women, b/c our emotions/feelings are attached to everything.......and it is never more obvious than when it comes to making love. For example, it's difficult for a wife to have sex when she can hear her small child in the next room, (it's even worse if the child is not so small and might hear the parents having sex). All the while her H is telling her to relax, the kids are fine......yada, yada. See what I mean? They are different creatures. If there is a problem between the H & W, he'll want to have sex to make up, while she needs to make up in order to desire sex.
(Oh me..........how did I get way over on this track? This is not exactly answering your question.)
If your primary love language is physical touch, then it seems logical that you desire to have that intimacy with your H. There is nothing wrong with you experiencing that need, b/c you still love him. But if you desire the physical connection b/c your self esteem is suffering and you want him to show that he still cares for you, or show some level of kindness, validation, admiration, tenderness, or whatever.........then I would have to wonder how healthy it could be for you. Someone else on the board might be more helpful. I admit I have too much pride when it comes to being intimate..........and I was the wayward in my MR. You and I come from opposite sides, so it is somewhat difficult for me to emotionally feel how a spouse wants to be intimate when their sorry spouse has been cheating.......and when their spouse has voluntarily moved out of the MBR. If there is another woman in the picture, then I couldn't. I have told some LB Wives to not withhold sex, when cheating was not involved. That's why I went into such a lengthen attempt to explain how I see the different approach with genders (which I don't think I've gotten around to talking about the LBW's approach).
I want to make sure that I'm not misunderstood and sound as if I'm saying it's fine to be intimate with a cheating spouse (regardless of the gender). IMHO, physical cheating defiles the marital bed, and the cheater needs to do more than just show up for sex, if a healthy reconciliation is in the near future. The fact that he returns to his separate bedroom after having sex with you........must feel like the biggest slap in your face. So, I am earnestly asking you........what are you seeking by having sex with him, again?
I'm sorry I made a mess out of this post. I would delete it, but I've invested too much time. Maybe I can finish it one day.
BTW, I really like that glimpse of you being all spunky.
This is great! I had to sign in just so I could reply. I would love for you to make a LBW post with suggestions. Men and women are sooo different. When I was in the thick of my sitch I always questioned whether certain things applied to me as most posters are LBH. Thanks again and I love everything you post!
Maybe I can finish it one day. 