This is a gift #2

[IronWill]

Hi may ~

Oh, my W has this idea that everything we are doing now is something that I agreed to and wanted. When we S'd, I wanted to see the kids, but also not completely disrupt their lives, because I thought we would work on the MR. Within the first few MC sessions, when I could tell even in the best case this S would be months if not years, I started pressing for more time with them. Her story the whole time has been that the current schedule is what I wanted, and not a schedule I was okay with *for a short time*.

In short, when I ask for an extra night with the kids, she says no because I might need childcare help for a couple hours. But then she is using help herself. If I point this out, she gets upset, says "This is the schedule that YOU wanted" and then the conversation goes nowhere. Last time we talked, she called me delusional.

Hey U -

Sorry you're having a rough go of it, man. These situations are never easy, I'm learning that each and every day.

I still think your W is projecting things onto you. And I still think these projections are drawing a reaction from you, and she knows it. You are still the reason for all her problems, at least in her mind, and as long as she has someone (or something) to battle against, these things will continue.

The only reason I say that is that I think at the start of things, both you and I were kind of in the same boat. Our only big differences were that you have kids and I don't.

Text doesn't work based on our history. I've tried e-mail but she rarely responds. We haven't had a 1:1 F2F at a neutral place like a coffee shop since we S'd.

Idk, I am considering proposing that we set a specific topic list and go back to MC2 to discuss just those topics. Kid schedule for the next 2 months. Childcare spending. If we deviate from those topics (and she takes it back to child safety concerns), I will not participate. MC2 is good with communication skills, but just like a MR, it takes two people willing to work on it.

Caveat - I am not in any way an expert, but IMO she might see it as controlling...?

What calmed things down in my sit was complete and total detachment. At the beginning of the sit, i was reacting to W's overblown accusations (and they were ridiculous), so I eliminated myself from the equation. Let W think all kinds of things and just do my own thing without worrying about what she was thinking.

A few questions for you:

Is she actively pursuing D or mediation?

Or is it you who wants to start moving on?

What is it you want? Do you really want D?

Does your W still want D?

Do you know what she is thinking all the time?

Are you standing?

The answers to those questions will give you clarity and help you move forward.

For the record, while IHS my W claimed to want D at least half a dozen times between 5 and 10 months ago. She has not mentioned it since August and since I pulled way back.

Point is, not all feelings are static and forever. If she said it once it was how she was feeling at that moment. Also I recognized that W was in a crisis and was not thinking logically.

Anyway - not to be harsh, but figure out what you want. That's the most important thing. Once you have a concrete idea of what you want, then you can have a plan and move forward.

Stay strong, man