After spending a month in Spain there have been some good and bad interactions but I did not get the chance to talk to her privately. When I talked to her calmly and asked about this she claimed it was my fault because of my attitude and that I am putting pressure on her.
Paco, when a wife (and mother of his kids) leaves him, it is not b/c she wants him to pursue her. Ever since your W moved away from you, you have chased after her. Separation is not an opportunity to pursue. Can you understand that you must give her time away from you? You are not detaching yourself. You contact her all the time, and you use your children as an excuse to talk to her. You are hurting your chances to reconcile, b/c you refuse to leave her alone. Stop talking to her!
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How am I supposed to approach this situation when I know it will lead to conflict but I do not want to start divorce and I want to transmit to her that I love her and that I want to fight for our marriage but not at any cost?
First, you do what is right. I don't know your laws, but I suggest you trust your lawyer to get as much time with your children as is "fair". Allow the lawyer to fight this battle, and stop putting pressure on your W. I cannot stress enough how unattractive it makes the H look. Take one task at a time. I don't think you can save your MR at the moment, while trying to fight to have the kids see your family as much as they see her family. Neither will it save your MR to let her have everything and you don't get to see your kids. So, listen to your lawyer, do the fair thing, and stop talking to her. If you must connect about children's visitation, only do so in an email. No texting, no calling. Stop trying to catch her to talk privately. Why do you think this is working? She doesn't want to be around you, Paco. You are making things worse, b/c you will not leave her alone. Please follow the advice in the book, and on the board.
I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I will say this......so maybe you will change, if it is true. I get the feeling that you don't listen very well to your W. Perhaps you have a dismissive attitude when she is trying to respond. Maybe you insert the things you want to say while she is speaking. Does your voice tend to get stronger as you speak to her? Frustration can cause our voices to sound angry. Some men have powerful voices. I'm not taking sides with either you or her. I'm simply trying to help. As a woman, I think the more you try to do what you consider "saving the marriage", the more damage you cause at this time. I understand that you don't want a divorce. You need to be respectful of her feelings. I wonder if she feels she's not being heard by you. You don't have to express your disagreement about her feelings. Sometimes, it could sound as if you invalidate her feelings, when you are trying to get her to see your way. I'm not saying you have to agree with her feelings, but they are her feelings. I doubt that she cares about your feelings, if you over-ride what she tries to express. Understand? I hope I am wrong, but sometimes I have a mental image of her being badgered into changing her decision. Even if she was pressured so strongly that she changed her decision.......it would not change her heart. Give her time apart from you talking to her. I don't mean days.......I mean weeks, even months. Yes, it hurts you, but your current and previous actions have only pushed her further away.
Don't put your kids in the middle, thinking their sadness and their desire to be with their dad will change her mind. I think you use them. Maybe not with bad intentions, but to make her feel guilty for tearing the family apart. It doesn't work, Paco. You can't make someone love you, especially this way. When we tell you that you need to change, that's exactly what we mean. It doesn't mean you are suppose to pressure her to change.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
