Just had the 'house' conversation with H. I am worn, frustrated but OK.
I don't think he was super keen to have the conversation at all. He hadn't mentioned the meeting at all since last week, Last night he sent me a message saying D10 had been ill during the day and he would be home tomorrow (today) if she needed to stay home from school. D10 was ill so he came around this morning to watch her. Today I got saying he would take D13 to football training and then watch D10 until I got home. I reminded him we were meeting tonight to discuss the house and I'd get the nanny to watch D10. He said "OK" and suggested a coffee shop.
The coffee shop was closed when I arrived so I messaged him and he suggested meeting in the cafe of a local supermarket.
A LOCAL SUPERMARKET CAFE TO DISCUSS FRAMEWORK FOR DIVORCE FFS
The conversation itself started calmly. I asked him what his intentions were and he responded he did not want to be tied in for another two years. He said our options were he take a charge on the house, I take a charge on the house or we sell the house. The way he explains it is the house is valued and a legal document drawn up which states that from a point in time, although he is still on the deeds, he is no longer paying the mortgage, and therefore it does not fall into his monthly living 'costs. If and when we sell it he is only entitled to the equity that was established at the time the charge was formalised. If I take out a new deal, and the charge applies, the new deal would be solely on my income (even though he is on the deeds) and he thinks I could then go on to an interest only mortgage. I am not 100% sure if this is correct and couldn't find anything online, so any info would be appreciated.
I said that my main priority was children not changing schools. I need to be in the centre of town for 2 more years (when D10 moves to high school and can take a bus) and even after the two years are up, would need to be commutable by train to the centre of town (so D13 doesn't have to change high schools).
We agreed (as he did not want to be tied in) to start the ball rolling on selling the house.
The conversation then turned to how we tell the children. "I will not be here when you tell the children ... it is YOUR choice to sell the house ... I've given you lots of options. You could continue to pay the mortgage if you wanted to ... I won't discuss this any more. I will not be there when YOU tell them" {Well, at least he didn't put his hands over his ears and start singing}
At this point I told him I had to go, asked him to speak to a couple of agents about valuing the house and left.
About 15 mins after I got home he was back. D13 had left somethings in his car and he was just dropping it off. I took the things and went to say goodbye when he said (I'm paraphrasing) "I I think you should look into the charge option because moving will destroy D13. She will shut down ... fail her GCSEs ... not get into a good university ... and will blame you".
He then said if we sell the house he is going to stop paying the bills/utilities. I told him fine but then I expect you to start paying child support (he doesn't currently). Then the sh!t really hit the fan.
H: I have the kids nearly 50% of the time so shouldn't be paying you anything. M: There is no fixed schedule. I need a fixed consistent schedule as the current flexible arrangements costs me money {I basically have the nanny on retainer} and is not looked on favourably at work {I WFH frequently and my working hours change from one day to the next}. H: I can't do a fixed schedule. M: That's not my problem. What you see as flexible, I see as inconsistent and costly. If you're making changes to the schedule/split, I would like to formalise it and get it agreed with a solicitor. H: I will go for full custody and the house and you can move out and give me money. M: Don't be ridiculous. Who will look after them when you're away. H: I'll get an au pair. Any legal document which says less than 50% means {and here is the crux of it} you could move anywhere without consulting me. If you want to go down that route then be prepared for an ugly custody battle.
Then the nanny came back with the children, we smiled and pretended nothing happened and he left.
What have I learned:
1. He does not want to be the bad guy in front of the kids 2. He does not want me to sell the house (he threw in lots and lots of guilt trip statements) 3. He knows if I speak to a solicitor I will get primary custody (he is a pilot and is away 50% of the time). 4. His go to response when he feels threatened is to threaten even if his threats are irrational and an over escalation.
and most importantly, in the face of all this, I remained calm.
Ringing around to speak to solicitors tomorrow (it's been nearly 2 years since I last spoke to one).
