Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3)

[Core]

It allows you to buy into your fears, and become someone you are not on any typical day.

Stop asking questions that you don't want the answer to.

Things have a way of coming to you when you most need them..

Snooping also allows you to buy into your fears....

Those fears, the ones you mentioned the other day. They are pretty fierce huh ???

Core, the worst thing that you can fathom, has already happened to you. And you survived it so far...
It took some time for me to realize that what was most important to me, was WHO I was, rather than WHAT I was.

Who I am, as a Man, a friend, a Father, a brother, a son, a spouse/partner, whatever the case may be, become infinitely more important than just being "married" .

I wasn't willing to sell myself, strictly to still wear that ring....

And I think that if you take all of that into account...

When you are snooping, or whatever..

Are you being the person that you want to be?

I think that the one thing that could help you more than anything right now, would be to stop holding her accountable for how you feel, and how you react.

She isn't responsible for how you portray yourself, and making her responsible for that isn't fair. To you or her.
I think that this is the key to a lot of your anger and resentment right now. She is doing "A", which makes you do "B", which causes "C",

I don't buy it. You worry about "U", and things will fall into place quickly for you...

Being honest with yourself, only worrying about what you can control, and not allowing yourself to make excuses for your behavior and actions, will be the greatest gift you give yourself now.

I know your IC told you that relationship talks are good. And they might be. But for who ?

I think the tightrope that you will walk here, is that they can be a good thing, as long as YOU aren't the one initiating them. If she comes to you ? Then by all means, partake. Just be a different you than you have been in the past.

Remember that there are typically 3 sides to the truth. Your side, her side, and in the middle is where truth usually lives.

When you talk with her, DO NOT defend yourself...

You are never gonna talk your way out of something you acted your way into..

Just because she says something, it doesn't make it fact, or true...

However, it is very true for her.

You cannot disagree with how another person feels. And unless you accept that those are her feelings, you will never be able to make her feel safe, and heard....

Do you want to be defined, by the worst thing that has happened to you ???

You will have to answer that one day...

Because as you sit here today, the OLD marriage is dead and gone. It isn't something that you would want to merely revive anyhow.

And the solid foundation begins with you....

Clubbed over the head with 2x4s. Thank you for this. I don't know where to begin. This came in time as I almost resorted to snooping again. That person is not what I want to be or ever wanted to be. Snooping is a moral line I never wanted to cross, and I agree that I'm to blame for crossing my own line. If I found any new evidence, the little peace I have now would be shattered.

Some of this is hard to hear but needed. Prime example is me blaming her for how she makes me feel or her making me take actions. That's been behind a number of conflicts during the course of the marriage. Lots of NGS on my end. Easier to blame her than control and be accountable my actions.

As much as I think I am the solid foundation of a new relationship, whomever that may be with, you, Steve, Mario, U, Ovr, Job, AS, R2C and the others generously giving feedback have rocked me, in a good way.

The challenge now is the high number of things to work on and self improve. I had no idea how broken I became. All with due time I suppose. Almost paralyzing looking at my changes to implement and hold for life.

Your comment about WHO I am versus WHAT I am...I don't know if I even know who I am. My mind is blown from the BD and now the DB. Its like I've been carpet bombed and am rebuilding amongst the devastation. Pieces are everywhere. Thank you for getting me thinking.

^^^THIS is how marriages fall apart. Resentment builds on both sides, and both feel like the other doesn't understand their side. Often the only difference between a WAS and LBS is who dropped the bomb first. Almost always, both have been thinking about it for a long time. But once one drops the bomb, it triggers regret in the other and then they end up here telling their story.

AS, that resonates so much with my sitch. You and the other here have me convinced to listen and validate, even if she's way off base. Its her feelings and perspective that matter.

Mario, Steve and the others on here, thank you for continuing to support and helping me to get in a better place.
My anger is whittling down. My W tells me she's angry at me all the time. Now I know how she feels. This is going to be a LONG process. I'm starting to engrain validating others. Very seldom is there a chance with W, so I am learning with D4 and coworkers. Energy levels are kicking up more days than not. I'd love to hit the gym more if I could but recovery physically is not like my 20s!