Here we go again

[ovrrnbw]

Hank,
I am the LBS, since the BD I have had the MBR to myself while he either sleeps in our vacated D’s Room or the couch when she was home. As much as I would like him back in the MBR, he needs to come in on his own. I did not ask for this BD. Neither did you. We deserve to sleep in our beds. Our BD spouses have chosen to bomb the marriage so they can sleep in the rubble. I have never asked him to leave the room nor have I asked him back. This is his issue. I am GAL and I can only hope we work towards a reconciliation.

Hang in there. We got this.

First, I disagree with the statement, "we did not ask for this BD." If you read what Hack wrote, he freely admitted that he didn't do the work necessary. Yes, he didn't specifically say the words "I want a divorce," but he saw it coming and did not do enough until his spouse had it.

I haven't read your situation, so I'm not going to say that yours is the same. But this idea that a woman wants a divorce when the marriage is 100% perfect is uncommon.

Now people insisted that Hank's wife was going to scream and be mad. Guess what - she wasn't. If she didn't care, why do you think she would give him respect for it? In my situation, if my spouse demanded the bedroom, I'd probably laugh at him. Maybe it's because I respect him so much.

Many LBS, not all, had caused a lot of damage in their marriage by how they treated the spouse before that spouse told them they wanted out. They ignored the spouse, the refused intimacy with the spouse; they were mean to the spouse; they didn't take care of the family, home, their job, or themselves. They took the marriage and the spouse for granted. Some LBS were even given explicit warnings about the marriage, and they ignored them.

You think, after that, an LBS asserting his right to sleep in the bedroom is suddenly going to cause the spouse to say, "Gee, I respect what he did by taking the bedroom?"

People are twisting what I said. I said that it probably won't move the needle. It's possible, but in the grand scheme of things it such a small gesture. It can provide the LBS with some amount of personal respect, some small amount of dignity because it allows them to take one bit of control in a situation where they think they have no control. They actually do have a lot of control.

Now Hank is both early in his situation but has been here before. So he knows that he can get things back on track. He just needs to do the hard work. and it is hard.

I want to say thank your for your perspective. I do think we (DB'ers, LBS's) forget a lot of this. It's understandable as the LBS's are in such pain usually.

Your statement is a reminder that the LBS needs to focus on himself or herself. The things you posted are things that are within the control of each of us moving forward. Your statements also reminded me of something BluWave posted a while back stating that most wayward spouses are walkaways first. They're walking because of some bad behaviors that are pushing them away.

I agree that jumping back into the MBR is not going to move the needle much, because as the OP stated, there is clearly lots of other things that caused all this resentment. I also see it as a mental hurdle that for most men gets them to a better place, but doesn't change a whole lot in the woman's eyes at this point. So I'm unconcerned with it mostly.

Hank, hopefully you have thought about my earlier post to you. You need to come to grips with how serious you are about these changes, are they necessary, are you committed... Be frank with yourself. Taking the MBR will make you feel better, but for her it will require a great deal of patience and commitment.