Ugh. I don't like that I've just written a long post about H. That isn't where I want to spend my attention. I want to think about my own development.

So - I need to decide on what a healthy and adult and loving response is around various ways that he communicates that's unacceptable to me. I want to really get good at this - whatever happens with my marriage, this is a skill that will serve me well in my friendships, as a parent, and at work.

1. Blame - I don't accept it, am not interested in hearing it, and find it boring and unattractive. I want to respond with a neutral noise of acknowledgement 'hmmm' and then leave the room. I expect some of you will be advising me to validate but this is a man who has literally never ever been content with anything, and while it used to be his mother's fault, now it's mine. I need a boundary to protect myself from this nonsense.
2. Sarcasm, mockery, etc: I leave the room right away. The house if I need to.
3. General complaining. I respond by validating the emotion - even if he's not clearly expressing one I can take a guess - then asking 'what do you want to do' or 'what you want?' as a way of inviting him to take some action, rather than just more moaning. This hasn't been working so well - usually we start with complaining, he moves onto blame, and if I take the bait and start defending myself, we get onto the sarcasm or mockery. I need a healthy way to respond to complaints.

I also need to leave him alone more. It irritates me when he's in the family room with his headphones on playing a computer game. He gets irritated if anyone speaks to him. This is between 7-9 in the evening when it's the full business of family life. I think it's pathetic just to 'check out' like that. I know he's tired, but I work too and if he checks out, it means all of the practical and emotional needs of the kids are on me. It's his way of escaping. I think he escapes because he feels exhausted and also incompetent. He doesn't do it all the time though. And he is more likely to do it when he's been working long shifts and when it's been a while since he's had some alone time. I know when I try to engage him by trying to have conversations, asking or nagging for help with the domestic stuff or with the kids, or wanting to discuss something practical that could wait, he's likely to get irritable. I can just let him be in those moments. I am perfectly capable of doing everything on my own anyway.