Ah - he's not much fun most of the time, no. But then again he wasn't put on earth to provide me with fun, and I can make enough of that for myself and when I don't, well, that's on me.
My challenge is looking at him through a lens of compassion and not contempt. He's allowed to be weak, self-centred and flawed - aren't we all? I'd rather he could admit to these things and work on them, rather than sit festering in self pity and blame. But that desire is self interested: it would be nicer for ME if he'd do these things. It would vindicate my view of him and our situation. But perhaps he's where he needs to be at the moment. I tend to leave him alone quite a lot these days. Partly because - as you say - he's no fun and doesn't have much to offer and partly because I'm acclimatised to getting on with my own life without him.
On compassionate days, I can offer him some affection and reassurance and understanding. Doing this verbally often risks getting us into conversations I don't want to have. Acknowledging, for example, that he looks a bit frustrated or worn out or depleted will often invite him to list all the reasons why it's someone else's fault he's in that state. That whinging isn't anything I have bandwidth to listen to, and dishing out the opium of validation to him only enables his childishness and emotional immaturity, so instead I give him a wide berth and instead try to communicate though acts of service. I have to have balance on that: to look after myself, my kids, do GAL and THEN if there's anything left try to do something kind for him, rather than turn myself back into a doormat who is trading domestic services for approval and affection. I don't always get that right.
I don't have many compassionate days, if I am honest. He isn't attractive to me at all - I struggle with that. Most says I see a sulking, blaming, silly little boy who isn't capable of taking action to resolve any of his own issues. When he's not in that mood, he is more appealing a prospect to be around and we have some good times - some laughs, some companionship. There are times when he's very engaged and present and wants to work together on some task around the house, or take the kids out together. He tells me more about his work life and anxieties around than than he ever has. I listen. He's much much better with both kids. He's slightly more likely to express he's feeling scared or vulnerable in words, rather than lashing out or sulking. The 'lashing out' when it happens comes in the form of snapping and grumpiness and doesn't come into verbal abuse any more. The weird thing he's doing with the impressions - he hasn't actually done it at all since I mentioned it on here. I am quite sure he isn't reading these posts. I think perhaps he's sensing a change in me, or he's worried I do plan to bring it up with his therapist when we go to his IC.
So that's where we are.
Dilly - you are very welcome. If i was kind to you or helped in any way, or even just gave you a laugh or a bit of company, well I am glad. I was in such a dark place when I arrived at these boards. I'm not there any more and I don't think you are either. I thought of you often over the summer. I really hope you keep turning up here now and again and that things continue to improve for you and your kids. I think you're all going to be okay.
