Thinking of you. Hugs. You are NOT crazy. (he might be.) My H has been the same-- all over the map, from "I want a D" to "slow down, there's a world in which the girls never know this happened." I just can't put any belief into what he says, because I don't think HE knows what he wants and the words are just a reflection of the crazy crap that is bouncing around inside his head. I think our Hs sound very similar with the compartmentalizing and justifying of behaviors.
Like Scout said-- don't beat yourself up over how you're feeling. *OF COURSE* you feel that way! Let yourself be in the sadness for awhile-- maybe set a time limit-- and then see if you can put it away for awhile and move on. Maybe just go snuggle your sleeping D. (I do that a lot!! It helps.)
Are you OK with the custody arrangement and finances that he proposed? I might try to focus more there and less on him, if you can.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
