"Walking out of the Valley" 2.0

[hoosjim]

Going to try and move forward. I am disappointed in how I responded this weekend. I learned she was trying to record me having an outburst or being upset. I feel like she was trying to push me to that point. She claimed the only reason she did it was so she could show her mother how unstable I am. This life has become a circus and I am convinced she truly sees me as the enemy. I just hate this for our 13yr old S.

What did she do and how did you respond this weekend? I didn't see any posts from you from those days. Just from the hints you give above, she seems VERY wayward, still. Trying to justify her actions to go along with her selective memory of your MR (only remembering the bad and none of the good) so that (as she hopes) she can ride off into the sunset with OM and live happily ever after and get a favorable divorce settlement and every one will love her and there will be unicorns and puppy dogs for everyone etc etc etc. At any rate, i'd be curious to hear about it. From your perspective, just need to try to stay lovingly detached. Be as cool and indifferent as you can (indifference, btw, and not "hate", is the opposite of "love")

I feel like I continue to fail and fall backwards. Discovering her meeting up at his house on 12/21 has made me bitter and resentful. I know many say that you have to move forward and forget about the incidents where you step backwards.

Yes, this is obviously a problem (and one of the most profound hurdles erected by snooping, or "intelligence gathering"... or otherwise finding out details about the affair): Once you find out about something, or see something, you cant "un-discover" it or "un-see" it. And in the realm of MRs and affairs, some of those things you discover or see can be extremely traumatic and damaging to the psyche. It (fully realizing or being confronted with, no filter, the degree or details of your spouse's infidelity/cheating) is one of the primary hurdles to reconciling a MR that has been subject to infidelity. It is one reason (along with eventually realizing how good your life can be even without your spouse) that LBSs often, by the end of the process, have no interest in "taking back" their spouse and eventually themselves become, in effect, the WAS. Sometimes you just can't overcome the damage and betrayal. I myself have struggled with this, even after my W and I reconciled, and even now almost two years afterwards. I had an IC session only a month ago... and I am not even certain my W actually slept with OM. It's just hard to get the images you conjure up about the possibilities out of your head... I can only imagine how hard it is to get them out of your head when, as in your case, your W describes it to you in rather graphic detail. So don't feel like there is something wrong with you for being bitter and resentful... it is quite normal. You can't control how you feel... BUT... you CAN control how you react to those feelings and how you respond and behave (partcularly around her and your kids). Be cool, calm, confident, and in control at all times... YOU have done NOTHING wrong.


overnbw:

I found interaction with women when I was out, and noticed my thoughts became more positive, my attitude turned into one where I knew I could get through my sitch, and that other women would still desire me. How foolish was I to think otherwise....

Yeah, this is a really huge confidence booster, and i think it can really be helpful when you are going through this kind of sitch.... however... it can also be an important cautionary tale: I recall when my W was still in the "affair" stage, and I was finally revving up my GAL-ing and coming to grips with the fact that I might very well be moving forward as a single man... I came to a point when i was visiting my fellow LBH buddy out of town one weekend that i thought to myself: "Self, you know what? You just need to go with the flow tonight, have fun, enjoy yourself, live in the moment, etc etc." So I did just that. Didn't mope, got back into the mindset of being the man I once was demeanor-wise, confident, carefree. Talked to anyone in the bar who seemed willing. Talked and bantered, flirted a little (lightly, as I thought) Met alot of folks, including a few ladies, a couple of which, both quite attractive and younger, were definitely available and, at least in one case, very interested. It was... intoxicating. My buddy even at one point during a private sidebar when we went up to order drinks, had to talk me down a bit: "Hey, man, where do you think this is going?" ...and "Do you know what you are doing, here and what you want, both for you and your MR and then with this girl... and what do you think this girl is thinking"... and it made me stop and think, hard. Because I wasn't really looking to hook up or anything like that... I had just been letting myself go, having some fun, playfully conversing, etc. But I realized that I was getting very close to crossing a line, and I realized that this girl very well likely was becoming interested and the situation very easily could have ended up becoming something that wouldn't have been fair to me, or to her, or to my MR, and definitely wouldn't have been consistent with my own goals for my MR (I was still actively hoping for reconcilliation at that point, and still considered myself "married.") So I pumped the brakes just a bit. Still let myself have fun and be sociable, but dialed back the flirtatiousness a bit and made it a point to try to avoid leading anybody on or do or say anything inappropriate.

The whole episode really made me... idunno, "sympathize" is probably the wrong word, but at least, maybe... made me understand how my W could, after years of a SSM, be tempted and have her head turned by someone showering her with attention and exhibiting a "desire" for her and making her feel "wanted" romantically/sexually. NOT that i think that that excuses what she did... not even for a second. But I DID see (because I also was subjected to the distance and neglect and denial of intimacy in my MR) how, after being so denied, all of a sudden being exposed to it, by an attractive member of the opposite sex, could be difficult (though not impossible) to resist... "Well, maybe I'll just go flirt/talk with this person a bit more in a more quiet corner of the bar.." and then "Well maybe I'll just walk them out to there car or go for a walk with them or go to get a cup of coffee" and then "Wow, felt so good to talk to them, maybe we can get together again... just to talke" etc etc etc. The emotions and the draw of that attention is powerful. If you put yourself in that situation (talking/flirting) with single members of the opposite sex in a bar or other establishment where you will be drinking alcohol, you do have to be careful and you do have to know yourself, where you are emotionally, what you want and what you can handle both in terms of alcohol and in terms of interacting with members of the opposite sex. As i said above, I think that that dynamic can actually be good, and healthy, and confidence-building, and therapeutic... but it can also be powerfully seductive and enticing depending on your own particular disposition and situation. Don't cross any lines that might derail your own personal progress, permanently torpedo your MR (assuming you are still working/hoping for reconcilliation) or hurt an innocent person.

Mario:

I’m all for being in control of your emotions. Especially around a cheater. He shouldn't show the vulnerable little underbelly. But let’s face it — we all lose our cool when we’ve been cheated on. If he didn’t lose his cool, I’d wonder if he didn’t care. Best way to not lose his cool is to not be around them. Period. Try no contact. It really minimizes the psychodrama.

Going dark, either completely or selectively (not always possible with kids involved to be completely dark) is usually a good idea/strategy, both in terms of your own emotional well-being as well as in terms of earning some respect back. OTOH, I do believe that it is okay to show/exhibit anger... as long as it is done in a calm, controlled fashion. In fact, it can be even more powerful this way. Not always easy to do, but a very powerful statement. Should be reserved for direct expressions of disrespect (say, where W decides to graphically describe to you her sexual liaison with OM from only a day or two prior). It's an art. One of the most effective, but tricky, manifestations of which is being able to drop a curse word or two in there, almost matter-of factly, without raising your voice or exhibiting any other signs of "rage". The key is that you are ALWAYS cool, and ALWAYS in control of yourself and your emotions and, in general, when around your W, always exhibiting kind of quiet confidence and mild cheerfullness/upbeat attitude (because YOUR life is going AMAZINGLY).