IF you can handle the information that you find, and it doesn't affect your inner peace, then feel free. I think so, for most people here, that snooping spins them out of control, and allows you to become a victim of what someone else is "doing to you". It allows you to become controlling, and manipulative toward a person that you proclaim "unconditional love" for.
It allows you to buy into your fears, and become someone you are not on any typical day.
As it was simply put to me ?
Stop asking questions that you don't want the answer to.
Things have a way of coming to you when you most need them..
Snooping also allows you to buy into your fears....
Those fears, the ones you mentioned the other day. They are pretty fierce huh ???
Core, the worst thing that you can fathom, has already happened to you. And you survived it so far... It took some time for me to realize that what was most important to me, was WHO I was, rather than WHAT I was.
Who I am, as a Man, a friend, a Father, a brother, a son, a spouse/partner, whatever the case may be, become infinitely more important than just being "married" .
I wasn't willing to sell myself, strictly to still wear that ring....
And I think that if you take all of that into account...
When you are snooping, or whatever..
Are you being the person that you want to be ???
For me....I wasn't. I wanted my spouse back, but not like that.
I think that the one thing that could help you more than anything right now, would be to stop holding her accountable for how you feel, and how you react.
She isn't responsible for how you portray yourself, and making her responsible for that isn't fair. To you or her. I think that this is the key to a lot of your anger and resentment right now. She is doing "A", which makes you do "B", which causes "C",
I don't buy it. You worry about "U", and things will fall into place quickly for you...
Being honest with yourself, only worrying about what you can control, and not allowing yourself to make excuses for your behavior and actions, will be the greatest gift you give yourself now.
I know your IC told you that relationship talks are good. And they might be. But for who ?
I think the tightrope that you will walk here, is that they can be a good thing, as long as YOU aren't the one initiating them. If she comes to you ? Then by all means, partake. Just be a different you than you have been in the past.
Remember that there are typically 3 sides to the truth. Your side, her side, and in the middle is where truth usually lives.
When you talk with her, DO NOT defend yourself...
You are never gonna talk your way out of something you acted your way into..
Just because she says something, it doesn't make it fact, or true...
However, it is very true for her.
You cannot disagree with how another person feels. And unless you accept that those are her feelings, you will never be able to make her feel safe, and heard....
That's prolly enough for now. I won't want to overload you anymore than you probably already are...
I just want you to know that this is about you Core.
Something simply asked to me early on, was... . Do you want to be defined, by the worst thing that has happened to you ???
You will have to answer that one day...
Because as you sit here today, the OLD marriage is dead and gone. It isn't something that you would want to merely revive anyhow.
Anything in the future would have to be re-born from that ashes of what is left.
