Oh man oh man oh man! Let's clear up wife's resentments by pointing out to her that they are all wrong, LOL! That is just some REALLY bad advice there. Even in a healthy relationship that would be a terrible thing to do! Your W's resentments, whatever they are, are very real to her. Let me give an example that I have read many times on these forums over the years:
Situation: Husband works late every night.
Husband's view: He's sacrificing the home life he would prefer to have to provide for the family and he feels his wife should appreciate him for that. He gets home and she's cranky from watching the kids. She "throws" the kids at him at a time he is ready to kick back and relax. He resents that she doesn't seem to appreciate how hard he is working to provide for the family. He expresses his resentment by complaining about how dirty the house is, how cold the food is, how he has to do everything when he gets home. On top of everything else she never wants to have sex!
Wife's view: Husband is "never home". He works all the time, doesn't help with the kids, expects her to take care of EVERYTHING at home PLUS have food on the table whenever he decides to show up. Then he gets angry when she tries to take a break once he finally does get home. On top of everything else, he expects her to drop everything and have sex when he doesn't even bother to tell her she looks pretty or even send her any kind of a nice text all day because he's "too busy". He says he does it to provide, but who cares? Does he really think money is more important than a loving family?
OK so now that you know how both of them are feeling, answer these questions:
1. Who is right and who is wrong? 2. Is the answer for one of them to point out to the other how their perception is wrong?
^^^THIS is how marriages fall apart. Resentment builds on both sides, and both feel like the other doesn't understand their side. Often the only difference between a WAS and LBS is who dropped the bomb first. Almost always, both have been thinking about it for a long time. But once one drops the bomb, it triggers regret in the other and then they end up here telling their story.
What each of us should strive for is to never let it get to this point to begin with. COMMUNICATION is the solution. The two should sit down together and make a JOINT decision on these matters without blame.
W: Can we talk about your work hours? It is putting a huge strain on me that you are working late all the time. H: You are right, I feel the pressure as well. I would rather be home, but felt like I had to do this to provide for us. W: I understand you feel the need to provide and I appreciate that about you. But maybe there's a compromise we can make. H: I could insist on working less OT, but it may hurt my chances for a promotion. W: I feel our family life should be more important than the promotion, how do you feel? H: Hmmm, maybe you're right. All these hours are killing me anyway, what point is getting a promotion if I am never home and am miserable all the time. W: I fully support you in this. If I need to quit my part time job and take a full time job so you can spend more time at home then I think that would benefit us all. H: You don't know how much I appreciate that, but first let me cut back on my hours and we will see how things go.
THIS is how they taught us to communicate in Retrouvaille. Listen, validate, communicate, negotiate. I really wish I had been taught it 30 years ago, I would have been a much more effective husband.
Bottom line- respect your W's feelings even if you don't agree with them. She sees things differently than you, but that doesn't make her version of events wrong.
LH's example really hits home, I can think of a few such examples from my marriage as well and man do I wish I could get a redo on that. Instead of telling my XW how "wrong" her feelings were I would have listened, validated and supported her.
