Trying my best....

[SteveLW]

No, I saw no behaviors from her to suggest MR 2.0. There were moments where she seemed unsure of herself as far as moving forward with her plan. But words ("I am done!") and actions (starting multiple dating profiles on online dating sites, sending nude photos to EA OM, etc). Through all of January '18, and most of Feb '18, I prepared myself for the worst.

I get questions like this a lot. Two things happened that I think really turned my sitch around. The second one by itself wouldn't have worked, but in concert with the first one it helped reinforce.

The 1st was that a friend of hers at church pushed really hard for us to attend a marriage retreat with them. This friend and her husband had no idea that we were going through a rough patch, it was just a yearly marriage retreat and they really wanted us to go. My W got bombarded for several hours over 2 days about marriage in relation to the teachings in the Bible. At first it made her feel "stuck". But I think it also made her realize that with the changes I had been making she really needed to give the marriage another shot.

The 2nd was she agreed to attend counseling with me. It started as IC, but the IC suggested she come along for the first session. That way if it transitioned into MC she wouldn't feel like it was one-sided with the IC having heard only my side. She ended up going every time I went, though I would characterize the first several sessions as IC for me with her present. I think that showed her that I was serious about making positive changes in myself. The IC with her present really turned into a "what is wrong with Steve85 and how do we fix it", with the exception of one session where my W was the focus and the IC really delved deeply into some emotional territory from my W's past. But other than that it was IC for me with her present. And then it transitioned after the marriage retreat into MC as my W started to say she was wanting to stay.

I wouldn't dwell too much on the taking note of what works and doesn't. To me that is more of an organic thing. Concentrate on DBing well, then when you get to a point where you are GAL, 180ing, and becoming emotionally detached, start taking regular assessments. Say every month.

The problem is that sometimes things are working when it looks like it isn't. "I did a good job being detached and my W is getting angry about it!" Many, if they assessed things on a day-by-day basis would say "detachment isn't working!" When in reality it is. The anger is because the WAW is feeling the loss of control over the LBH that she has become used to. See how easy it is to misread if it is working?

Also, most LBSs struggle with DBing until several weeks or even months have elapsed. Really what GAL, 180s and detachment is meant for is to fix your frame of mind, get you into a place where you aren't smothering and pushing the WAS away, and just to start living your life. Whether a DB technique works or not isn't about how it is affecting your WAW but how it is affecting you! LBSs find that once they start DBing well, the feeling of immediate doom, gloom and hopelessness eases, regardless of what their WAS is doing.