He kept referring to the reasons as things that we both did but it had a quality of “blameyness” towards me. I didn’t say anything in response, I just listened and validated.
Good. Keep in mind validation isn't about accepting fault, it is merely acknowledging he has feelings. Personally I feel there is a line though, I don't believe in validating EVERYTHING a WAS says. Sometimes they can be downright mean in their blamestorming and I don't think that's an appropriate time to validate. So listen, validate, and if he just keeps up the blaming then cut it short and find something else to do.
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I did express some of my unhappiness, and some of the reasons I felt the move didn’t work.
He doesn't care. Sad but true, he just doesn't care about your feelings right now. So don't share them, not with him.
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I really wanted to lash out but I didn’t.
Good! Be the lighthouse!
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I talked to my counselor and she was suggesting I point blank ask him if he thinks I’m fully to blame, and that I should tell him that I feel less important than his mother, who he has been emotionally supporting the last few weeks (and he’s been incredibly distant from me and that hurts). So, this advice seems to be counterintuitive to what I hear here. Thoughts?
Not many counselors are familiar with DB'ing and it's not unusual for things they suggest to conflict with it. I think her advice is not taking into account that he is completely checked out of the M. His response is likely to be something you don't want to hear such as that his mother IS more important, or that you are constantly holding his love for his mother over his head and applying too much pressure and this is why it will never work blah blah blah. None of it means anything because it's just spew, it's just how he feels at that very moment.
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The night ended with him being pissed off by a work related email that somehow he turned into my fault by the magic of irrational thinking! I was screaming in my head, if you hate what you do for a job then do something about it, that doesn’t include a drastic and traumatic change!!, and stop blaming me for your unhappiness!!! Of course I didn’t say that out loud, I just left the room.
Good, leaving the room without comment was a perfect response.
