Discussions regarding D have begun in earnest. W is also now telling people we are getting D. I’m just navigating the process and trying to get the best deal possible for me and my kids. I feel stuck between looking forward to the future and trying to not push forward the D too hastily. Natural feeling I suppose.
Yeah don’t feel guilty about either. If she wants to expedite it make sure she gives you concessions in the process. If she feels guilty then use it to your advantage.
W contacted a realtor who will be out next week to look at the house and her daycare business and give us an idea of what we are looking at as far as a sale. W wants to sell both and is motivated to do so. I will also be making an appointment with a mediator tomorrow. I am seeking primary custody of my S11 and S18 (while he is an adult, I'd like to keep the boys together if possible).
As far what I have been doing, I went to IC Friday. IC says she doesn't see anything that screams D is necessary in our sitch. W is in replay and is projecting her anger onto me and making the fall guy. This is likely triggered by her unresolved issues as an adoptee. I continue to GAL as much as I can, still working out and maintaining my 50 lb weight loss.
Our interactions remain civil. She texted today to ask how the boys liked the hockey game I took them to last night. Still occasionally offers to small things for me. I find this behavior bizarre and fear she thinks divorce is going to be "friendly." I just keep an even keel and try to validate as much as possible. I struggle at times with what to do. Focus on mediation and get the best deal I can? Hang in longer and make her do all the work for a D?
I will also be making an appointment with a mediator tomorrow. I am seeking primary custody of my S11 and S18 (while he is an adult, I'd like to keep the boys together if possible).
Are you in the US? I know in TX 18 is considered an adult and as such they are legally responsible for themselves at that point. So there would be no financial support or "custody" of S18. I think the whole US is that way as well. Our D decree mentioned that any support agreed to only applied through the age of 17.
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IC says she doesn't see anything that screams D is necessary in our sitch.
There hardly ever is in the situations that land here.
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W is in replay and is projecting her anger onto me and making the fall guy. This is likely triggered by her unresolved issues as an adoptee.
Whatever the reasons, you can't fix her. She has to do that work herself. All you can do is stay out of the way.
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I continue to GAL as much as I can, still working out and maintaining my 50 lb weight loss.
Focus on mediation and get the best deal I can? Hang in longer and make her do all the work for a D?
Appreciate any and all feedback.
Yes and yes. Especially the second part. My advice is to, until and unless YOU are ready to D, make the WAS do all of the dirty, legwork for the D. In fact, I prescribe to the "do nothing related to the D that you are not legally obligated to do". What does that mean? It means unless ordered to by the court, do not do anything. That doesn't mean to stand in the way, i just means not to actively help it along. Here is an example:
WAW: "I need document A for the divorce filing. Can you find it and send it to me?" LBH: "Understand you need this, however, I am really busy and can't take the time for this. However, you are welcome to stop by anytime convenient for you to find the document."
(Obviously this is an example of couples that are S'd, but the principle still applies.)
What we typically see is that the WAW rarely will follow through in these request. WASs are notoriously lazy when it comes to the D itself. This is why in a majority of sitches the LBS is the one that finally gets to the point where they are tired of waiting and files for D.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She has told people she is getting a D. Has also told one person she would file if she could find the money. I do prescribe to the notion that D is just a piece of paper. She has shown no signs of wanting to R and it is my belief that she would always second guess not getting a D.
Just seems mediation and getting the best deal possible while she is wanting out makes sense. Of course, as I type this, she texts me saying, "If you end up making an appointment with that mediator, it would have to be on a Friday..."
She's already scheduled a realtor to come to the house next weekend. I don't get the impression she's going to sit on her hands. D seems imminent whether I want it or not. She can sort herself out (or not) while we are D'd.
That's fine. Mine was all full of spitfire and vinegar for what she "wanted" at first too. Reality sets in once they start going down the path.
It is up to you....but I personally would attend the meetings she arranges. But not arrange them for her. And then follow my other advice I gave related to not doing the work but not hindering it either. But it is up to you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
