Things continue calmly. I'm back at work and the kids are back at school tomorrow and I am looking forward to getting back into my usual routine: too much time in the house, too much time playing cook and laundry maid, too much time watching H slack-jawed in front of a computer screen. He really doesn't have many friends or interests. He doesn't seem to be as depressed or anxious as he was, and he is caring for himself better in some small ways. He isn't drinking hardly at all - apart from over Christmas as everyone does. But he doesn't have GAL and that makes him hard to talk to and hard to be interested in sometimes.
I have managed to spend some extra time with friends, and on my own, but I'm still adjusting to having another adult in the house, checking in with them, making plans together or separately but co-ordinated. H doesn't like to be pressed on his plans (he'd say he's more of a 'go with the flow' type - it comes off as passive and evasive to me) so getting things to line up so everyone gets a bit of what they need - solo time, housework done, time with kids, time with friends, time as a couple - involves better communication than we're having right now. But it was okay.
I did manage to take myself out on a long walk today and get some reflection and perspective on what is happening in my head. There have been so many changes over the past couple of months I think I am only just processing them, and recalibrating my attitude to our past marriage.
I know I used to be extremely hurt by some of his previous behaviour. I thought if only I could be a better wife, or find the right way to communicate, or showed him how upset I was, then things would change. I took total responsibility for all out problems. Now I don't recognise that person. I look back on our past and think what a pathetic, contemptible set of behaviours from a deeply flawed and insecure man, and what's worse, I allowed it, enabled and even encouraged it for far too long. I do feel I am changing a lot. He spoke to me sharply this morning in front of the kids. I looked up at him, put down what I was doing and said 'don't you dare speak to me like that. Get control of yourself.' I know he was surprised. I was surprised at myself. He stopped immediately. He didn't apologise. But I am done biting my lip and playing the adoring or insecure wife. If we are rebuilding this marriage we will do it from the ground up and I am not who I was and the old dynamic doesn't work for me anymore.
What I notice is that I am still struggling to respect him. As a human being I respect him. I don't admire him or look up to him as I used to. Perhaps that will come. My more pressing task is to respect and feel good about myself. I wish there was something enjoyable that we did together - some shared interest or hobby other than the running of the house and the kids. He's very hard to talk to, to get interested in anything. We have very different tastes in films. I'm not that interested in music, he listens to it all the time. I'm a bookworm, he's probably read two books in ten years. He follows the news, me, not so much. I have close friends and like connecting through conversation, he's a loner who values privacy. We did go out today to the beach for a walk with the dog, and both enjoyed that - so that's a start.
