Blu: he has been sliding into alcoholism for a LONG time now, decades probably, I do believe he wants to extract himself from it now but has no idea how. Not my problem if he can't kick his crutch away, I have no control over that or about his working himself to death. I suppose the one consolation is that he is making plenty of money whilst working himself to death, he could be a typical MLCer and be getting into debt. You did not chase me away, I just needed to grieve and I think that was a healthy and inevitable thing to do.
Christmas was a bit tricky but ok overall, H was well behaved on Christmas day but went to bed super early that day and the day before, then left early on Boxing Day. He seemed deeply, deeply depressed and complained about feeling poorly the whole time. I was relieved when he left to be honest. He worked most of the Christmas break and has had lots of work stress going on. Same old same old, he's stuck in a deep dark hole and sometimes I go and peer at him and listen to him complaining even though he has the tools to make a ladder. He did seem happy with the presents I bought him and made a big fuss about one thing I bought him in particular. He bought me something which I had mentioned about a month earlier when I was out with him and the kids as something I wanted. Some tiny effort went in there which is all he can do currently, but I am not even bothering to read anything in there. I went for a run on Christmas day and mentioned that I saw a male friend who H has met. He said 'is he married?' and I said I didn't know. Made me laugh inside. He doesn't want me but doesn't want anyone else to have me. Change that record, it's kind of funny when you spot the patterns from other posters on here, at least I know now to have zero expectations. He also renewed his car insurance at our address, even though he had to ring them and could have given them his new address. Who knows what that is about. I always used to deal with all insurance stuff pre BD, but I just left the documents there and didn't mention them so he could deal with them.
I took the kids away with a sense of relief but honestly I was pretty lonely on holiday. Teens sleep A LOT! I went running and enjoyed the sun, spent some time watching trashy telly with ds1 but ds2 was a withdrawn teen mostly. He's nearly 15, my expectations are even lower of him than of H. Still, I enjoyed spending time soaking up the sun and going somewhere different, read a lot and relaxed. Now we are back home, I have been catching up with a few friends briefly and going running. I did a race with a friend this morning and as I finished H rang me about 3 times, when I rang back he said he was at home but had to leave due to a work crisis happening today. I went home and he wanted to go for a walk, he complained endlessly about work stuff and I validated. He complained that ds2 never answers him when he rings or texts him. Reap what you sow is what I thought but didn't say. H did ask a few questions about our holiday and about what I was doing next week and I just gave vague details. Then a colleague rang him halfway through our walk. We went home and he said that because ds2 didn't want to go for lunch he would leave. Never mind that ds1 wanted to and that he had barely seen ds1, weird. Ds1 is his favourite, or at least the kid who complains the least about having to see H. H said that ds2 had agreed to go away with him next weekend, interesting that he is chasing to connect with him. I usually have to take ds2 to an activity on Saturday so I immediately thought maybe I would go away for the weekend (I have to admit to feeling hurt at being rejected as company for the weekend even though you would think I would be used to it by now, it still hurts). I booked a weekend away and will tell H that no, I can't meet him and ds2 and ds1 halfway next Sunday as he suggested. I have had enough of playing games. I have had enough of being fed little crumbs of an hour of his time each weekend. I refuse to go visit him near work if it's up to me to suggest it and be squeezed in briefly. I have had enough of being his emotional support when he wants to complain about work or his health (still bad) or whatever but get no emotional support in return. H has been slowly BDing me for literally years now and I have reached my limit now. Time to move on properly. I need to tread carefully because it's in my interest (I think) to stay married as long as possible financially, but I'm bored of this situation and tired of feeling lonely and unwanted. I am a pretty amazing person and deserve so much better. This whole situation squashes your self esteem something chronic but I am not prepared to accept this any more. I want sex and companionship and someone who cares about me, not a total boring alcoholic workaholic narcissist. I'm contemplating online dating even though the thought terrifies me. It might not go anywhere but I want someone to express an INTEREST in me for a change, not just my friends but a man. I have a lot of love to give and a lot of joy to share with the right person, H does not qualify and has not for a long time now because he has made it clear he does not want my love or my joy.
Future plans: I have some pretty cool travel to organise for the summer both by myself and with ds1. Should be amazing. I have lined up a lot of activities the next couple of months, particularly art as that makes me happy. Normal life resumes somewhat next week after the Christmas break which will make life easier as I have been pretty socially isolated over Christmas with my friends seeing their families and me being away. I think I have reached the stage where I struggle to care about R, or more precisely I have given up hope of H changing enough to make that possible. I'm a pretty hopeful person generally so it has taken a long time. Maybe I will grieve again, but probably not as deeply or for so long this time. If this is dropping the rope then I think it's currently still held but it's a skein.
So, the holiday season is over. It was tough but I'm looking forward to normal life resuming. I have a lot of goals to work towards. And some fun to have!
