Totally to be expected. Don't beat yourself up about it. It is OK to feel all those feelings. Can you try a session of meditation? Journal and get all those feelings down on paper?
We're all here for you.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing