Hello. First time poster. And apologies , this is long!
In November 2018, H spent a couple of weeks acting distant and irritated with me. We have been together 25 years, married 20, one teen son. Long and happy partnership. A couple of rough patches, but nothing major. I would have told you we were rock solid. I was completely secure in our love and marriage.
One morning he said he wanted to have a talk. He was worried about our future. Denied an affair or plans to leave, but told me he wouldn’t just leave me. He thought we had changed as people and our relationship was stuck in patterns we set when we were very young.
Then came a litany of complaints about me. “You are quick to anger. You are worried about your future and where you’ll end up. You act old, and talk about yourself as old and middle aged and I dont see myself that way. You dont prioritise your health and fitness. I worry about what our future will be. I can’t be myself in this relationship.”
We spent some time crying and talking over the following weeks, and agreed to try to sort things out. We had about 4 sessions of couples therapy that petered out when he needed to reschedule a session. After couples therapy he told me he was very very sad at how bad our relationship was (this was in May) and was going to do some individual therapy, as I understand it he has had 4 or 5 sessions.
In June, he stopped having sex with me.
He won’t share much, but the narrative on repeat is: “Are you happy like this? What do you want out of life? We’ve both changed. It’s no ones fault. Neither of us have the relationship we want. I can’t be myself in this relationship. I’m not happy. I’m in a lot of pain. I’m confused. I didn’t have the emotional maturity when we got together for a life long commitment. We are stuck in patterns we set when we were very young.”
He won’t discuss why we stopped going to therapy. He won’t discuss why we stopped having sex. He agrees we are in limbo, There are no plans to move behind limbo.
Joint therapy threw up a bunch of things. We have had long term problems communicating.It’s also clear we have had negative patterns of harsh start up (me) and stonewalling (him). The biggest issue from therapy is that he has never been able to identify or ask to have his needs met and it still clearly terrifies him to articulate what he wants. He needs to be the good guy.
I also learned during a visit with his sister that his childhood was much much worse than I ever understood. Physical violence from much older siblings. Angry, terrifying behaviour from father (WW2 vet with PTSD); Angry, cold, emotionally unavailable mother. He agrees this is a factor, as he grew up not thinking his needs were important.
Thirteen months have passed. We still live together, and largely act like a couple. We tell each other I love you daily. He kisses me good morning, goodnight, hello, goodbye. He won’t hug me. Or touch me. He doesn’t compliment me. Or really notice me. We sleep in the same bed, but he turns his back to me.
We talk alot, about the kid, and the house and the garden and what’s for dinner and work. We eat together, shop together, go the the gym together. Talk through the day.
We’ve had sex twice since June. The most recent time, in early December, the next morning, he told me he needed space, he was very upset and confused and hadn’t slept. He didn’t think he could stay at home that night. He left at lunchtime and spent the night at a hotel, before leaving on a work trip the next morning. Before he left, I told him I needed him to start getting honest, with himself and with me. He needed to start understanding and communicating his emotions. He called that evening to say goodnight, and called again the next morning, and daily until he came home on Wednesday as planned, and not a word has been spoken about it since.
We managed through our twentieth wedding anniversary in December, we exchanged presents, hugged and kissed and were sweet to each other, before I left for a work trip.
I wrote in my anniversary card to him that I was giving him the gift of letting go and the freedom to find his happiness. That I would always love and adore him and that for every day, week, month year that he chose to continue the journey with me, I’d be there. Then I read Conscious Uncoupling.
Where am I in all of this. I’ve spent the year reaffirming to him that I love him. That he can be whatever he wants to be, that patterns can change, that we can redefine our life and family better suit his needs.
He was right about many things. I hadn’t been prioritising my health and fitness. I was morbidly obese. He had gotten fit after our son was born, losing weight and exercising regularly. (We were both large when we met and married)
If I’m honest, there were a rough few years where I wasn’t very emotionally available, dealing with an adult sibling battling drug addiction and mental health issues. Unhappiness within myself, career stress etc.
I resented his approach to some things. He had no interest in planning for the future. Not communicating. I didn’t feel like he heard me, or listened to me or showed me much affection.
The crisis has reaffirmed for me that I deeply love him and want to work through this and to the other side. I have been in therapy to support myself and focus on personal happiness, I’m focused on living calmly and well. I’m practising patience.
I’ve lost 43 kgs (95lbs) and become very fit over the last year.I’m trying to live well. Focused on our son, friends, family. I took up painting after many years.
I spent much of the year in a holding pattern. Expecting him to leave, worried about committing to permanent things. I was quite down and depressed. But recently I started planting in the garden, doing more permanent things for the home. I decided to be happy.
I reach out now and then to give him hug or squeeze his hand. It is sometimes reciprocated. He still talks about we and us and ours. Day to day, we are pleasant and kind to each other. He has never said he doesn’t love me, and he has not raised separation or divorce.
BLUF, my husband says he loves me, but can’t be himself in our marriage, he won’t talk to me, touch or have sex with me, and is stressed and in pain and anxious at any thing that looks like future plans.
So I guess I’m just keen for some feedback on all this and if this seems like a salvageable marriage?
