I don't remember what detachment from H feels like in this moment, but I suppose re-entry will be h*ll and then I'll slowly remember how to feel a kind of compassionate numbness toward him again.
I am also thinking I wish I could be anything but numb with him.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I'm still struggling to find what it feels like to be compassionate and detached--what it feels like in my body. I'm left with questions after our brief exchange: Should I have said more? Should I have asked him how his holiday was? Should I have asked how his mom was, even though he didn't see his family? Is he spinning a story in his head that I don't care about him because I didn't ask? I'm sure he spins lots of untrue stories, so I know I shouldn't worry about that. I can't control the way he interprets things. But what is the level of engagement that leaves me feeling compassionate and not cold, that leaves me feeling secure in my own story, no matter how he spins it?
Compassionate and detached.
Detached is your emotional response being under your control, as opposed to an uncontrolled reaction from his behaviours and emotional state. You emotional uncouple from him. It is similar to how one is intellectually detached.
We control our thoughts much easier than emotions. Our thoughts do get influenced by our emotions and even get away from us. However, one can get control back, and train one’s self to accomplish that quicker and more often. This, and time, helps gain detachment.
Once your emotions are not dragged about by H’s actions, you are on your way to finding indifference. The place of numbness towards H; the feeling of numb or more accurately the absence of feelings.
Indifference is weird and perfectly ok. The void created by one’s once so strong emotions for their spouse does take some getting use to. Other emotions, will seem much larger than they really are when next to this void. Flirtatious feelings will be amplified when contrasted to the numbness that now exists. Guard yourself against this - for the void is only temporary.
Nature abhors a vacuum, and this emotional vacuum is no exception. Vengeance, anger, hatred, attraction, will fill the empty space if one is not aware. And they loom large. Make the choice to fill the void with kindness, compassion, and empathy.
Your feelings towards H will be numb or placed away for safe keeping. Choosing compassionate detachment is harder, and so worth it.
With compassion and empathy, along with the understanding you gain from all you experience and see, letting go happens naturally and is less forced. Realizing one’s fears and finding acceptance are further steps along the path.
With such a compassionate and empathic start - that time of the emotional void - forgiveness is more imaginable and achievable.
And those stored away feelings for our spouse do/will return. They no longer haunt nor hurt. They exist, they are realized, they are felt, and they are ok.
I hope my map helps you, even though I did share much further of it than I original intended. However, it might answer your question.
My level of engagement with XW is nil. I am compassionate and not cold. And proud and secure in my story and life.
Compassionate detachment and forgiveness. Both are very worthy and achievable goals.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
