Here's a post that job left for another LBS the other day. I found it very helpful.
Originally Posted by job
Space,
You didn't break her, therefore, you can't fix her. May of us on the Board are fixers and we want to fix our partners/spouses and we can't. If she is in MLC, she was emotionally stunted as a young child. That means, someone in authority didn't validate or make her feel as important as others. Someone, most likely a parent, didn't listen to, treat her as she should have been or their home life wasn't the best. In some cases, they are verbally, emotionally and physically abused. It takes many years for all of this hurt to bubble up to the surface and then one day, the switch is flipped and a severe crisis happens. If we aren't allowed to grow and learn during the teens, early 20's, 30's, etc., we can reach the severe crisis state. Yes, we do have quarter life crisis, but that usually appears, in the 20's/30's timeframe.
Your wife didn't just go into crisis. 18-24 months prior to the BD happening, something triggered bubbling up of hurt/disappointment within her. Now, she's experiencing the full blown crisis. You will begin to see that the woman you love has turned into the mirror image of that person, i.e., the exact opposite. She will do things that she would not have done pre-crisis. She will be operating on pure emotions and, of course confusion comes into play and with a MLC, depression is the main ingredient.
What can you do? Listen, validate and if she's complaining about something just say "I'm sorry you feel that way". Do not argue w/her because that will give her the validation she needs to push forward and say, that's why I want a divorce. They will even vilify the spouse to justify why they are doing what they are doing. The more people attempt to talk some sense into her, the more she's going to pull back and away from them.
The best thing you can do is GAL. That list you have in a drawer of the things that you want or need to do...get started on them. Now is the time for you to focus on you and what you want to do w/your life while she's on the Mother Ship. If something isn't working, then try something else. Remember...this is her journey and you weren't invited on it. Your journey will be a totally different one because you will be meeting everything head on and not self medicating. You will come out the other side, wiser and more self confident while she is still figuring things out.
MLC is not a sprint...but a marathon. Are you up for the challenge?
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To your situation, objecting to your W's "reality" will only serve to create another sticking point between you and your W, and your goal right now is to remove yourself from the equation as much as possible. This is more for your sake than anything else.
Don't worry about what she is thinking. You can't do anything about it anyway.
All you can do control what you do, think, and say. You can't control what your W is telling your kids.
I know - it [censored].
My M and F did a ton of rewriting post-D to suit each of their own narratives. I still don't know the truth and it's been over 30 yrs.
I'm not sure exactly what you would say or how but maybe the other vets can help more with this - some kind of a neutral calm way to explain this to the kids if they ask, I would guess.
