Still not sure how I feel. Had a tense phone call w/ H yesterday - he had just gotten out of counseling when I called him. He is working through his issues stemming from his dad's abuse. I asked how to best support him, and he said he didn't know. He did say he didn't want to be vindictive but then said I need to just wait while he works through 20 years of emotional baggage - funny b/c I didn't take any offense to this like he thought. What do you think I've been doing thus far? He still isn't sure about anything, but did say he is careful to not hold me accountable for stuff his dad did (his dad is deceased). He said he knows he's emotionally volatile and tries to see me when he feels he can/wants to, because he knows sometimes he overanalyzes stuff that I am doing in a negative way and avoids me when he thinks that will happen so as to not make things worse. I appreciate this. I keep a lot of my feelings in with him, but this distance is so hard. He knows I am working on myself during this time, but sometimes I don't think he realizes how detrimental this all is. In my heart, I do think he wants to be with me and just doesn't know how right now. We talked a bit more, and then I asked a genuine question: I asked if he wants me to wait for him. He freaked out, said what do you think I am doing all of this for, and hung up. I see now how he would feel insulted, but it was a genuine question on my part, because sometimes I really cannot tell if he wants me to just move on or not. It's been helpful now that we communicate more, but since we aren't going to MC any more, there isn't an outlet for stuff. He goes back to his house 4 hours away either today or tomorrow. I wish I could have seen him again during this time, but I know he needs space to work through stuff. I'd read up on C-PTSD and sent an article and asked his opinion on it, so we did discuss that on the phone.
Hearing where he's at keeps me going in this process. I feel in the past week I have let him have too much control over my emotions. I think him being here and not seeing me makes things harder for me - it's one thing when he's 4 hours away, but another when he's around. I am careful to not say how damaging this is because I don't want to pressure him. He said he doesn't want to rush things with me, and I agreed. I am struggling right now because it feels like every toxic dating relationship I've been in where someone doesn't choose me, but I choose them. Marriage is a choice, and every day I choose him, still, and I know he isn't even capable of choosing anything right now. I don't want him to feel guilty or bad about what I am going through, because I am stronger than he is right now, and he is going through so much.
