Questions from a LBS 5 months in

[job]

I would cease all conversations about the relationship. You need to give him as much time and space that he needs to figure things out. The stages of MLC are just a guide and the timeline is just that...a timeline to give you an idea of how long each stage may last...but the kicker is that each person is unique, the personality is unique, the childhood is unique and so are the coping skills, or should I say, non-coping skills are unique.

I have been here for 20 years and I have never suggested that someone guide a MLCer. I honestly do not think you can do that because they are operating on pure emotions and if they even get a idea that you attempt attempting to guide/control them, they will come out swinging and swear you are either trying to control them and/or manipulate them.

If you have apologized for whatever you think you said or did wrong, then that is enough. He knows you love him, he knows you want him back and you will do whatever you can to get him back, i.e., even pretzel your into doing things that he comes up w/i.e., a list of our shortcomings. If you think you have some behaviors that need to be worked on, then work on them and make those changes a permanent part of your life and not to win him back. When he sees the changes taking place, he may attempt to bait you into reacting/saying some of the old things that you use to do/say...don't take the bait.

As for counseling...they go for a session of two and hear what they want to hear and that's about it. They take what they wanted to hear and twist it to their advantage. If you want counseling, I suggest going by yourself because right now counseling for the both of you together is a waste of time because he's going to tune out the important work that he needs to do.

Do not attempt to try to rationalize w/him about what he's going through or doing. MLCers do not like for us to try to tell them what is wrong w/them. Remember...he's emotional, confused and yes, depressed at the moment. You can't rationalize w/someone who is not thinking rationally. BTW, the main ingredient of MLC is depression.

Start looking around for lawyers that offer a free consultation and make an appointment. Make a list of the questions that you want to ask and take that list w/you. Tell the lawyer that you are there doing a fact finding mission and want to know what your options are if a divorce should come to pass. Do not share any of this information with your h. This info is for you and you alone.

Now, dig deeper for patience, educate yourself on depression and MLC. Keep the focus on you and what you need to do to protect yourself financially and above all else...try to detach as much as you can. This is a long journey and one that you weren't invited on...but your journey is going to be about you and helping you to become more confident and self assured and be the person that you were when you met your h. Remember...this is a marathon, not a sprint. You can't rush the process...give him the space and time he needs.