Core...just because someone texted your W on NYE doesn’t mean they are close. I had about six texts on NYE. Regardless...you are making this about him and it is not about him. The issues you and your W had were present long before he showed up on the scene. He is a symptom of and her current “solution” to her unhappiness. The more you focus on him, the more likely it is you will push the two of them together. Stop trying to figure that part of your sitch out. You have no control over it anyway and it only feeds the anger and resentment that you feel. Let it go. Let her go.
Focus on you and your kids. Be the best dad you can be to them with or without her. Quality time is more important than quantity. Continue to set a good example for them when they are with you. They won’t remember the details...just how they felt. Make sure they feel loved, supported, respected and safe. My kids did 100% better when they saw that I was okay...regardless of what their dad was doing. My biggest regret is that they saw me sad and weepy in the beginning because it scared them. Now they see nothing but a confident and happy mom and this has had a great effect. It is not what I wanted. It kills me they don’t get the intact family that I had growing up. But it is what it is and I have no choice but to accept it and make the best of the situation.
I hope your sitch turns out better than mine did but please don’t count on it. Accept that the MR you had is over and move forward. If your W ends up wanting to join you in your “new” life, great. If not, you will still be further ahead. It’s a win-win situation when you think of it from that perspective. Also...regarding R talks...it’s not that you can’t have them...if you do, it should be her initiating and you should focus on listening and validating and not on trying to control the outcome. If you try to push someone, or pull them, before they are ready, the natural inclination is for them to push back or pull away. Don’t force this unless you are prepared to deal with an unwanted outcome.
I know how hard this is. Just stay the course and focus on you. It gets better with time. I promise. (((HUGS)))
