My advice don't focus on the OM. I wouldn't even look at him on social media or wherever. Nothing good can come of it.
Are you still checking your W's texts? Do you think that helps or hurts with your anxiety/anger/etc?
What does your IC say about this?
IC suggests to not snoop for exactly the reasons you mentioned. I had to though...if OM and W contacted during NYE, I'd know they are close and not in occasional contact. Sure enough, they look to be in contact. I can't see texts so I dont truly know who send the message, just that it came from a messenger she never used before OM.
ICs take is to have relationship chats with W and IC has good logic behind it. She's a professional and quite good so I do feel apt to take her advice and have the chats with W. This however goes against DB rules. IC has helped couples in the middle of mediation turn things around.
A couple points, you say you "had to look" I don't understand that. You don't have to look. the only thing it does it hurts you and potential progress. I think you should be honest...you wanted to look. If you want to keep touching the hot stove, you know the consequences. But snooping can be an addiction in itself. You have to guard for that.
I kinda agree/don't agree with your IC. In my situation I probably had too many relationship chats with the wife. Sometimes they sucked, other times they brought clarity. But have to remember that anything your W tells sincerely in a R chat is how they are feeling at that moment. It's not how they feel for the end or time.
I don't agree having an R chat constantly or to rehash over old things. I would be more strategic. There were times in my situation where and R chat was absolutely necessary. Other times where I probably could have let it go. Believe me, I got hammered for it on here.
It does go against DB but this is where I think you have to balance information you get here and information you get IRL.
