Being treated "poorly" is subjective. And it allows one to become a 'victim' ...
What exactly are you afraid of Core ?
Good points. What I'm afraid of is S1 learning that this is ok for a woman to do. For D4 to learn to treat others this way. For the marriage to end and the kids to go through turmoil. I'm afraid my plans to retire will be greatly delayed due to the financial impact. Im afraid to move to an unsafe neighborhood with poor schools as I can't afford any better while paying daycare, child support and alimony. I'm afraid of missing half their childhoods and of studies that show single parents have much less quality time with their kids. Thats all the tip of the iceberg.
Originally Posted by Mario
Anyone here who says they weren't mad or upset at their spouses is a GD liar. I'm sure in your mind, you've turned what she's done into the worst things ever. A small reading on this site shows you that people have been treated 100X worse than you have. So some perspective is in order. That is not to minimize how she's treating you. Everyone deserves some respect.
But you have to remember that maybe your W felt this way about you for years. Many LBS seem to forget and want to focus on the hurt they are experiences.
True Mario, she did indeed feel hurt for some time. Not to mitigate her feelings but that words that caused the feelings she told me are plain wrong. As an example, she said I told her I wished she was dead. In reality, I told her I wished she stayed away longer as she came home one day and immediately nagged me over something out of my control. Her feelings and perceptions are far from the true facts. She says I've a bad memory and I'm misremembering but its not true.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Contempt and hate have no place in a relationship. Are you sure it isn't anger and resentment?
Patience is the key to DBing. Your BD isn't even 4 months ago. Remember, MARATHON not a SPRINT!
Steve, thank you for continuing to support! Honestly I can't identify the feelings. Feels like hate. I dont like seeing her, listening to her, being in her presence. Maybe its resentment, frustration. Hard to let it go as I'm near positive the EA continues. I read your thread you made for newbies. Its beautiful. I wish I read if day one. I probably would've still broke rules but maybe less.
Originally Posted by Jac12
Patience Core...try empathy - she's going through something that she needs to figure out on her own. Quite likely, this isn't about you at all. Detach, give space, and don't give her reasons to vilify you.
The thing is, what she's going through is ending up with her doing the worst thing you can do in a marriage both to me and our god which she supposedly follows. She even said god told her to do what shes doing. I cant empathize with something so wrong. On the vilify comment, thats a good point. Everything you say and do with a WAS will be used against you.
Originally Posted by unchien
[quote=Mario] Core ~ I've commented a few times on your thread about NGS and anxiety. I see a lot of myself in your posts.
These situations are emotional gauntlets. One of the best things you can do (in my humble opinion) ESPECIALLY if you have NG tendencies and issues with anxiety... work on your emotional awareness.
Everyone has a different level of tolerance and patience in their sitch. How do we deal with poor treatment? Well... if it's bad enough, we set boundaries. Otherwise, we learn to deal with it by handling our own emotions and giving our WAS the time and space they need while we work on ourselves as well. I'm not being flippant -- this is really really hard to do, but the more you can deal with your own emotions in a healthy way, you will be better off in so many ways.
You are spending your precious mental energy worrying about one possible future which may not happen. Is this useful?
U, you read me like a book. I follow your thread as I often see you post the same things I'm feeling or thinking. I like to think I'm a smart dude but when its comes to emotional awareness, I swear D4 is already smarter than me. I am workingon it though. My IC told me she's noticed immense growth. I do continue to waste mental energy in hypothicals. Glad you pointed that out. Something to continue to work on.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Yeah. My WAW told me a lot of things. She doesn't even know.
This scares me. WAS don't even remember what they did or said?? So if they are overly emotional or stuck in feelings l, they forget. My W has always been feeling and emotional driven. This could be her entire life living that way.
So I noticed W got an email to text again at 11:52 on New Years Eve. No doubt it had to be OM. Being early in this sitch, I'm to expect this to happen possibly a year or more? W and I barely talk as it is. Less that roomates, friends, coparents do. Its like living with a void, thats trying to constantly suck me in. I think the only way to drop the rope for me is to D, yet I cannot per vows to my friends, family and god. To Mario's point, she hasn't asked for D since the initial BD. In our recent chat, she did say "ok, if you want, Ill start mediation in the new year". More of a threat/control than a want.
OM if he's still in the picture...he is a WEIRD person. His posts are non sensible tripe. He looks feminine, seems to have not yet broken free of his party phase, in way worse shape than I and is constantly posting things that look like him seeking validation. My confidence took a huge hit seeing that this is what W if willing to destroy me and the family over.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
