Trying my best....

[SteveLW]

Forgive the stream of consciousness, feeling melancholy today.

Have been thinking of the dynamics currently in play and where my sitch is in terms of journey. I think i'm in a bit of a fog, amongst others, feeling weighed down by W family interactions with me, or rather lack of them. I always felt part of her family and would always be included and welcomed to any family event, but ever since BD they have excluded me from practically everything. My W takes the kids to see them, upon invite, but any invite is not extended to me. To be fair as things are i would probably decline a few but not all. I understand they will be naturally siding with my W, but i thought i had a good enough relationship with them to merit at least an enquiring 'how are you doing?'. But nothing. Its like i've been erased.

Understandable. I'd feel the exact same way. However, as someone who was recently on the family side with my niece leaving her husband, it is a tough situation. We loved her husband. He was a great guy, and was mostly innocent in the breakup of their marriage. Was a perfect H? Well, who could be? Let alone a guy in his early 20s? But he was a great guy and we all care for him very much. But are afraid to extend his pain. Maybe he wants to move on and to hear from her family would be difficult. It is a difficult thing. If you had a good relationship then rest assured that you are on their minds. They feel for you. And if they are praying folks they are praying for you.
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I've also noticed that certain mutual friends have also done the same. I wonder whether they are enabling my W, by virtue of what version of our story my W has told them and they are feeding her view of our M. It has made me question whether they are worth my time and thoughts. Which then leads me down the rabbit warren of thoughts of R. Would i be able to accept their friendships and family inclusion, when at the moment i would feel they are two-faced?

Same dynamic with mutual friends. They are in a bad situation, trying to juggle both sides. Those that were closer to her will lean towards her. Those that were to you will lean towards you. This typically will break along gender lines. Unless a mutual male friend has interest in her, for obvious reasons. Go easy on them, they are doing the best that they can. But yes, I would be very guarded around mutual friends because likely anything you say will go right back to her.

Anyway an update on my sitch:

Since Christmas, we have had a lot of family time together, Boxing Day we went to friends and spent the day and evening with them, it was fun and relaxing for everyone, lots of laughs and anyone observing would in no way believe we are leading IHS lives. From my perspective, i didn't really think about the moments of the day, i just enjoyed them and carried myself with PMA, and without probably realizing that i was being the person i'm meant to be. I guess this is a result of adopting DB, and detaching from analyzing every interaction.

DBing works....even if not to save your MR! Good job here. My dynamic was very similar to yours. It can be confusing for the LBS and cause you to pursue and pressure. Stay the course and believe in the process.

NYE passed without incident, we allowed the kids to stay up to see NY in, perhaps this allowed a reduced focus on my W and I to do what we have always done, which is to spend with Friends, enjoy drinks, kiss and hug etc. Instead it was hugs for the kids, but nothing from W. I didn't attempt to hug or embrace my W. And that was that.

Good here again! NO pursuit and pressure means NO pursuit and pressure! In my sitch, my W bowed out at the last minute to going over to some friends. So there was no temptation to lean in. But for obvious reasons that would be the wrong move.

New Years Day, my W went into cleaning mode. She has done this in a passive aggressive way before BD, a not so subtle notice to me that she wants things done because my way of doing it wasn't right, or she was taking herself away to re enable distance between us. Who knows?

Slight 2x4 here. No mnd reading! She wanted to clean so she cleaned. No need to read more into it.

I'm fairly certain she has questioned her decision to BD me, maybe just through subconsciously absorbing different behavioral patterns,however nothing explicit and am mindful that i shouldn't really read anything into it and this has borne out in the very little interaction we've had since.

She wouldn't be human, but a robot, if she didn't. But again, mind reading will get you no where. How do you avoid mind reading? Focus on you! Right now you have a microscope hyper focused on her. Take your focus off her and put it on you.

All in all i recognise i'm not detaching as much as i should, but happy when i look back at the old me and see how much DBing i've employed since and the differences i notice in myself as i handle this roller coaster. I'm a bit more measured rather reacting on emotions which is a huge step for me.

Detachment is a process, not a task. You don't just flip a switch. However, I love this paragraph! This paragraph is all about YOU. And that is what you should be focusing on now.