Happy New Year, all. I'm back in H-world again. Two things became clear to me when I walked in the door to our house yesterday afternoon (H was out, didn't show up until an hour ago.):
1. It's hard detaching when you're still sharing a small space with the person, and I need to be kind and patient with myself as a I strive for that.
2. The holiday vacation was so difficult because I was grieving the version of H I've known for 16 years, for not quite half of my life--I was in his hometown, and all the memories of him were so present, so real, I think I forgot temporarily that H does not exist anymore. He was there on the trip with me. I could summon him doing all the old H things I loved and admired.
Back in our home yesterday, I was reminded again that H is gone--I don't know if this new H is WH or MLCH or some combination, but he feels like a stranger most of the time. I wonder what the old H would say about him. Sometimes I think he is purposely trying to be the opposite of the H he was with me. He associates old H with unhappiness, therefore he must become new H, and it must be an H I wouldn't like (in his eyes, anyway). More justifying his decision? She wouldn't like me now because XYZ. But I don't think XYZ is going to make H happy in the long run either.
I was taking down the Christmas tree I'd decorated when H did get home. He walked through the room on his way to the bathroom and seemed uncomfortable talking to me--nervous maybe.
He asked how my parents were, barely pausing on his way, and I simply said, "They're good." I guess there's no need to give him full family updates like I normally would. I let him know I'd left a souvenir for him in the kitchen, a bottle of hot sauce from the restaurant he's been going to for 20+ years. He saw it and seemed appreciative.
I'm still struggling to find what it feels like to be compassionate and detached--what it feels like in my body. I'm left with questions after our brief exchange: Should I have said more? Should I have asked him how his holiday was? Should I have asked how his mom was, even though he didn't see his family? Is he spinning a story in his head that I don't care about him because I didn't ask? I'm sure he spins lots of untrue stories, so I know I shouldn't worry about that. I can't control the way he interprets things. But what is the level of engagement that leaves me feeling compassionate and not cold, that leaves me feeling secure in my own story, no matter how he spins it?
