Hello FS - it's been a long while since I've posted but I've been catching up on your thread today. It sounds like you're coming towards a crunch point with the house and your job, and if you do end up having to get a new house, the way H still acts like he is your H sometimes - the long visits in the family room, the expectation you will be in to take his parcels - will have to end or he will have to explicitly state what he wants 'I want to spend time with you in your house' rather than just sneaking it in. That is having effects on you both. Perhaps raising the tensions. Perhaps raising the tensions for the children too, even if you don't explicitly talk about it to them.
I have tons of sympathy with you when it comes to parenting teens. And I've been reflecting a while on what you say about not DBing children: about demonstrating to them that love is unconditional no matter how badly they treat us. I did always agree with that - always thought it was important to demonstrate affection and acceptance no matter what. H has a different parenting strategy, and has no problem telling the kids he doesn't want to be around them because he is angry with them, or that their behaviour is damaging their relationship with him. I always really hated that - thought it was manipulative, borderline emotionally abusive and cruel - his explanation is that it's actually a loving act, and preparing them for the real world, where people won't just soak up any type of behaviour and come back for more. I don't know who is right: I know I've had to work hard to set boundaries and perhaps come a little closer to his way of thinking. I can see he's working hard to show affection and love and speak with more respect, even when he's needing to give discipline, so perhaps coming more towards my side of things. Even harder to do across two separate houses and without the safety of being able to have vulnerable conversations together. Anyway: I just wanted to thank you for that as it has given me a lot of food for thought. And to wish you a peaceful Christmas. x
Hi FS, how was ice skating with the girls? One of my favorite winter activities, I hope the girls have fun. And you too!
Did D13 like the photoshoot? With her grooming questions it sounds like something that might interest her to be photographed. Did she have fun picking out an outfit to wear?
The house situation hangs over us like a weird cloud. He won't actually ever mention it but he asks indirect questions like, "When are you starting your new job.". When I tell him I don't have one, he looks away. He hasn't mentioned it to his family. I've seen all of them at some point or another over the last week and (as I haven't seen them in a while) they inevitably ask "Hows work?" and I tell them "I'm not working at the moment". They kind of look at me shocked, the implication sinking in and then ask "Oh, are you OK?". I respond something like "I'm fine. I've done everything I can do so now have just got to wait. Theres no point looking for work in Dec.".
Ah, sounds like your H is an advocate of the tough love approach - though his interpretation is a little different to mine. I think tough love is about boundaries whilst also letting them know that your love is unconditional. The boundaries is the 'tough' bit, and the unconditional love, well, that's the 'love'. You set clear boundaries and consequences and follow through when the boundaries are overridden. However consequences are never whether you show them love. Telling them that he doesn't want to be around them because he is angry with them is just a cop out. That is what my H says to me (he still does this) but I'm an adult and I can take it. Not what we say to our children.
Note: everything above makes me sound like the perfect parent. You know I am not. I scr*w up a lot. But my children know I love them. I tell them every day. I also tell them their father loves them. That is what it means to put your children's needs in front of your own.
Yail - We'd gone to Leicester Square the night before to soak up the atmosphere, visit a Christmas market and watch Star Wars (which I thought was a fitting, though slightly sentimental ending) and didn't get back to the hotel until after midnight. We woke up late in the morning and decided that going ice-skating was too much (it was the 24th of Dec) and headed home. I will take them ice skating locally in the next couple of days. It won't have the ambience of Somerset House (its the local ring) but it should be fun anyway.
We had a wonderful time. D13 loved every minute of it (as did I). We stopped at a shopping mall on the way and I let them pick out some clothes - they both had �40 and could buy whatever they wanted. D13 got pair of 'mom' jeans, the kind that mums in the 80's wore - high waisted and loose down the leg. Sound disgusting, but they strangely suit her. D10 got a little olive military style dress which goes really well with a rust coloured silk dress D13 brought with her (and yes, I may have encouraged the purchase because I could see the photo of the two of them in my head). The dress was only half her spending money so she bough a toy with the other half
I was really impressed with the studio. It was in a warehouse in Shoreditch (where all the cool creative kids live) and when we got there they took us to a waiting room where there were big sofa's and a bar where they were serving drinks (wine for adults, juice/water/softdrink for the kids), nibbles, a nail bar and a couple of hair and make up areas. There were other people in the room doing the same thing. Mainly mums and daughters. Someone came out and explained what would happen. We'd get our nails done (only D10 because D13's were already painted) then our hair and our makeup. Everything was really professional. They gave me the resume of the make-up artist (basically some examples of photo shoots in mags) and the photographer (ditto). D13 loved every minute of it. The make up artist and hair guy fawned over her. They fawned over all of us, but I loved seeing the little smile on her face every time the make up artist gave her a compliment more than when he gave me a compliment. We had over 150 photos taken about 100 of came out well (i.e. eyes not shut, no double chins) and I eventually walked away with 34 digitals, 5 prints and a giant wall hanging. Turns out all that pampering / professionalism comes at a cost .
We then went to the hotel and chilled for a bit, then down to Leicester Square. It was a really magical time, both girls were smiling and chatty and I don't think they bickered once. It is a memory. And if I ever forget, I have 34 digital photos to help remember it by.
Eyebrows - I had my eyebrows micro bladder (a kind of semi permanent tattoo) which has a changed my life (or at least given me back a couple of minutes every morning). I had it done about 18 months ago and although not as clear as when I first got it done (some of the lines are less articulated) it still makes a difference. I would recommend googling it and if you're interested see who is available in your area. Most of them have Instagram accounts so you can follow them for a bit and see examples of their work, read comments from other people etc. A good one will work with your eye shape, feather correctly (so it isn't obvious) and enhance your natural shape.
I've started this update multiple times over the last few days and each time get distracted and stop. Fingers crossed I actually finish this one.
We had Christmas at home again this year. My H, his dad, his brother and our niece. It was nice, not as awkward as the previous two years (one in the middle of BD, and the other last year which had that air of it being our last). The girls enjoyed it which was the main thing. I think I've gotten a strong hold on this detachment thing which helps - particularly in a sitch like mine where my H and I are in constant contact.
He stayed in the spare room that night which was kind of weird. He has stayed over a handful of times over the past year, but only ever when I am not here. He kind of invited himself (or declared himself) staying late in the evening when his dad and brother were heading home. He was supposed to take the girls back to his Christmas night as its his birthday Boxing Day. He said the girls seemed tired so might be better off staying at the house, then said, he would take his dad home then come back and stay. I kind of shrugged my shoulders. I could have been more forceful and said something about making assumptions, but the girls had had a lovely day and I didn't want to start a row. The next day we all went to his mums for lunch for his birthday. We then each had the girls for a few days. Nothing big happened. Civil, some slight skating around topics (mainly my unemployment status).
As he was having the girls on the 30th to mid day 1st Jan I had booked a couple of days in Prague. I didn't want to be alone on New Years Eve and I have always wanted to visit Prague. I had planned on wandering around a little, eating some nice food, taking some photographs and just not worrying about things. The night before I was due to fly out, D10 started coughing terribly. She coughed all night. I had to leave at 9 for the flight, and H had an appointment in London so wouldn't be back until mid-day. It was his day to have them but for some reason he couldn't change his appointment so he had said D13 would look after D10 until he got back. Given D10's cough and D13s ambivalence towards her I didn't think it was wise to leave them so I cancelled my flight.
The rules of well laid plans being what they are, I ended up not have any plans NY eve. I was inspired by Yails post to enjoy it anyway. So when H came to pick the girls up at lunch time on the 30th, I decided I would cook myself good food and pamper myself a little. Cue two days of doing not much other than cook, clean, wash and watch TV. I got creative with the left overs from Christmas, making lots of fish cakes, pies and omelettes. It reminded me of my uni days when you'd search through the cupboard and see what was left. A girlfriend called yesterday to see if I was about and we ended up going to the pub for a couple of wines in the afternoon (she too is separated and wanted to get back for her daughter in the evening). Whilst I was there H sent a message asking if I wanted to join him and his dad for dinner. I ummed and ahhed for a bit but decided to go. The dinner was OK. Again, no awkwardness just the grumbling sound of the elephant in the room ccasionally making himself known. Also, H paid for dinner (unheard of before we split up).
Some slight hiccups:
1. A conversation about his brother (who has split from his GF) living at his dads at the moment. His brother split from his GF but still goes back to the house to help look after their daughter. His dad and my H spoke about how she (the GF) takes advantage of his brother by making him come and watch their daughter while she is at work. I defended her a little saying babysitters cost money and I doubt it is by choice that she has her ex in the house when she is not there. It turned into a conversation about whether he had the right or not to spend time in the house and his position was "It's his house so he can go over there whenever he likes. If she doesn't like it then he should move in and she move out". This doesn't make any sense because she rents the house and the tenancy is in her name. If she moves out, there is no longer a tenancy. It doesn't take freud to see what he was getting at. Even his dad looked uncomfortable.
2. Brexit (a trigger for my H). Both my H and his dad are ardent Brexiters and spoke at length about finally leaving the EU and how much better off we will all be. I stayed out of it as much as I could. This was also my strategy when we were still together. He normally would have kept going trying to goad me into an argument, but he didn't. Which I guess is good.
Anyway, got to go. Taking the girls into London to watch a play.
I love that you spent time using up holiday food - that's something that I really enjoy as well. It's satisfying to not see waste, and to relive the meal in a new way. It's a creative outlet as well.
That's a bummer your plans didn't work out, and I hope D10 is feeling better. I'm jealous of your ability to travel! You have taken some truly amazing trips, and I love that you are looking to fill your time with wonder and immerse yourself in a new place. I need to figure out how to do that in 2020.
Things with H sound....okay? I see the limbo you speak about a bit more in this post. The first of your "hiccups" he is being passive aggressive perhaps, but in the second there is a positive change in that he wasn't trying to goad you. So a bit of change, and a bit of the same?
The places I've been the last two years really have been amazing. But I've had other amazing experiences closer to home which I don't talk about much here. I take the time to appreciate where I am. London is beautiful. I simply stopped looking (children, mortgages, jobs). I changed the way I looked at things and I try and remember the person I was when I first moved here - I was enthralled by London. I am enthralled again.
A bit of a change, a bit of the same. We are friendlier then we have been in a long time. Not friendly lets sit down and discuss the meaning of life - we keep our cards close to your chests - but friendly in that I offer him a cup of tea when he comes over, he accepts, and then I go into another room or potter around the house. I get A LOT of house work done when he is here !!!!
**** I have a question - our mortgage deal is up soon and if we don't get a new deal we will automatically be moved to the variable rate (which would be considerable more than I pay now). We haven't discussed what we are doing with the house yet as that would mean we would have to talk about something other than the weather or kids. Two important factors:
1) If we get a new deal, we will be bound for at least another two years. 2) I've just secured a new role, but it is only for three months, and even if we do decide to keep the house for another two years, I am not sure we could secure the mortgage as I cannot prove earnings after the three months are up. I am pretty confident that I can secure a more long term position say in a month, but 'pretty confident' won't have much sway with the banks.
Should I initiate a conversation with my H knowing that it will lead to an R conversation - asking if he wants to keep the house for another two years is an indirect way of saying "Is there still any hope for us?".
I can't really see a realistic way around having this discussion that doesn't fall into the "head in the sand" category. And you can't live that way, despite the current realities. And if he is also on the mortgage, I really think you have to chat.
And while the discussion will likely fall into the R category, it's not the real intent of the conversation, and I think (hope?) your H might see that. The intent of the conversation is a logistical one, but it brings the R into the light.
If you moved, would you consider relocating into a different town/area? I was guessing not because of the girls and their school and life is rooted where you are. But perhaps that's not true, so I suppose it's something to consider.
Would you downsize at all, or consider it? Would you be wanting to have a different layout or yard? I guess if you can see opportunity in a new home that suits your lifestyle that would be important.
It had sounded like your H had said "after the holidays" to have this chat, and here we are. I think it makes sense for you to bring it up. Even that first step of, "I suppose now that the holidays are over we should sit down and have a discussion about the mortgage deal. When would you prefer we do this?" which will give allow him to A) make a decision on the timing and B) Prepare for the discussion without feeling like he is thrown into it unprepared.
Yes, the mortgage is in both our names. When we moved here the mortgage was a big jump (it was our forever home), so I agreed to make the repayments as long as he paid the utility bills. I earned a lot more than him and he really wasn't in a position to take on the higher repayments. The mortgage was also secured on my income alone - we didn't need his.
I've taken your advice and sent him the following message: "Hi. We need to discuss what your intentions are in respect of the house. I have a new role but it's only three months so even if we wanted to renew for another two years, I am not sure we will be able to. It would be better to set some time aside without the ids, perhaps over coffee to do this. Let me know when would be suitable for you." and got the following response "Ok. Let me organise time for next week as this week may be tough as girls are on hols" . I've suggested tomorrow as his mum is taking the girls for a few hours.
I can't really move to a different town - D10 is still in primary and I have to drive her to school in the morning. Moving somewhere else would be a logistical nightmare. I could move further out once she's in high school and can catch the train. I can't move too far out though, their lives are here, there dad (and his extended family) are here.
I could downsize. Happily. I would not need to though if I could move 20 minutes out. We live nearly in the centre of town and prices are crazy here. If I moved out I could get a similar sized property for a couple of 100 k less. Again, that would have to wait until D10 is in high school.
I suspect the best plan would be to rent for two years near where we live. Somewhere slightly smaller (my place is 5 bedrooms) in a less desirable part of town. Then, in two years, buy slightly further out. As long as their is a train station.
There are definite advantages of moving. He can't come and go as he wishes. He can't go through all the cupboards and drawers (he doesn't even make a pretence of not doing this, just says "I'm looking for the torch, and then proceeds to open every kitchen cupboard and drawer). It would be mine (even if I am renting) and not in any way his. But d@mnit the finality of it, after this long (and comfortable'ish) limbo is scary.
And the girls. It is another thing that they love being taken away from them.
F*****
I may need to meditate (or have a strong drink) to calm my nerves.
