The holidays are always busy, and I found out my ex wife got engaged on Christmas to someone she has dated for about 8 months. Spiraled for a bit but found my bearing again after a day or two of grieving. Obviously I am not completely detached, but I am giving myself a break. I am not perfect.
When the vets here tell you to GAL, you really need to do it. I have reverted back to some bad old behaviors such as playing the victim. I did just have another major neck surgery 3 months ago, and it gave me the relief I have been searching for over the last 10 years, at least physcially. I was hoping the surgery would solve my problems, but I find myself falling into the same negative behaviors. I am in the process of finding a good counselor, and I might have to drive an hour to find one as the town I live in doesn't have quality therapists. Bottom line is I was lying to myself by thinking the changes I was making were for myself and not my Ex. DO NOT make the same mistake as me. I am committed to not dating until my ex is married. Part of that is because I am still in love with her and am a man of faith in Jesus, but the other part is the fact that I know I am no where close to being the best version of myself, and I refuse to bring a woman into my life until I find myself again.
Regarding what I have learned from dealing with my ex and her conflict avoidance.... I don't have a lot of advice for you, unfortunately. Some people are just not good people. The more I tried to figure out how she could make the decisions she did, the crazier I felt. When I do eventually find another partner, I at least have a list of what is acceptable and what is not. I ignored a lot of red flags that I didn't know were there until after she left.
I think the best thing you can do at this point is focus on what you can control. Focus on being the best version of yourself, realize you don't need to be with a woman to give you value. Validate, validate, validate. I sucked at this, but it is SO important.
When I was the happiest after my separation, I was surrounded by good male friends almost every single day. That has been lacking due to the holidays, and I have struggled. But I have the next month planned out to hang with guys that I love, and that love me.
Really feeling for you FB. Follow the advice of the vets here. I am invested in your sitch, and will post as often as I can.
