I'm sorry you're here Greenman. My BD happened 2 years ago and my H lived here 6 months between BD and moving out, and our kids were 12 and 8 at the time, so I sense some similarities.
Originally Posted by greenman
I have kept mine on and feel like I should to save the M, but I also fight wanting to take it off to help GAL.
I would not take your ring off. Once it's off, it becomes really really hard to put it back on. Quick question - How does taking your ring off help with GAL?
Originally Posted by greenman
I definitely haven't fully detached. I find that line hard to figure out. Want vs Need, etc.
You are right, detachment is a difficult one to figure out. If you are strong enough and you do so without expectations, then friendly neighbour or work colleague is a good way to think about it. If you ran into your neighbour in a grocery store you'd say hello. If your work colleague asked if they could borrow your stapler you'd lend them your stapler. What you wouldn't do is go to the grocery store in the hopes of seeing your neighbour, or walk over to your colleagues desk every hour and ask them if they need to borrow your stapler again. Being a friendly neighbour or colleague with someone you want to be in an R with brings with it expectation.
What if you went to the grocery store and they didn't say hello, or if they asked someone else for a stapler. Or, worse if they start blaming you for the grocery store being out of something they want, or the stapler you lent them being broken.
I know, my analogies have got a bit elaborate ... I do have a point though.
Your W will blame you for everything going wrong in her life and you have to have the strength to listen to it calmly and not bite at every insult and accusation. The validation thread has good techniques and resources to help you with this.
Being a friendly neighbour can lead to expectations. You have to drop the expectations otherwise you will go crazy working out why she said this or she did that. She will do what she does. GAL. Meditate. Listen to pod casts about releasing anxiety and negativity.
Originally Posted by greenman
We also have a big trip planned with kids (before S) this year that we have to commit to soon. As of now we are going.
As you say, as of now, you are going on this trip. Don't initiate the conversation because it will lead to an R conversation and she is not ready to have one yet. That being said, if she comes to you and says she wants to cancel, then let her know that you understand her reasons and will cancel if that is what she wants.
