WW asked for S 5 months ago. Married 13 years, together 16, 2 kids. I put life and kids above R and W was not happy. She has felt lack of support, respect, career falling short, etc. W started working out and going out with new girlfriends. I felt disrespected and things deteriorated.
I started DB 3 months ago after begging and such for a bit before giving space. We share the house on a split schedule. Share finances. I question the sharing, but not sure how splitting things would help DB, but promote a D instead.
We communicate well now and do things with the kids. Mostly business, some non-business. W is angry and very guarded. I feel as if I provided the family well, but I also get areas I fell short. I do want W and family back. I fight anger still and work on GAL, but hard with our sharing situation. I workout, run, ride. No OM to my knowledge, but who knows for sure.
W is working on herself and time will tell if she works on our R. I have known we had issues in the past and buried them thinking things were OK.
One question is she took her ring off early on after she didn't know where I was one night. I was vague but doing nothing wrong.
I have kept mine on and feel like I should to save the M, but I also fight wanting to take it off to help GAL.
I definitely haven't fully detached. I find that line hard to figure out. Want vs Need, etc.
We also have a big trip planned with kids (before S) this year that we have to commit to soon. As of now we are going.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D33,S32
Last edited by Cadet; 01/09/2004:14 PM.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm sorry you're here Greenman. My BD happened 2 years ago and my H lived here 6 months between BD and moving out, and our kids were 12 and 8 at the time, so I sense some similarities.
Originally Posted by greenman
I have kept mine on and feel like I should to save the M, but I also fight wanting to take it off to help GAL.
I would not take your ring off. Once it's off, it becomes really really hard to put it back on. Quick question - How does taking your ring off help with GAL?
Originally Posted by greenman
I definitely haven't fully detached. I find that line hard to figure out. Want vs Need, etc.
You are right, detachment is a difficult one to figure out. If you are strong enough and you do so without expectations, then friendly neighbour or work colleague is a good way to think about it. If you ran into your neighbour in a grocery store you'd say hello. If your work colleague asked if they could borrow your stapler you'd lend them your stapler. What you wouldn't do is go to the grocery store in the hopes of seeing your neighbour, or walk over to your colleagues desk every hour and ask them if they need to borrow your stapler again. Being a friendly neighbour or colleague with someone you want to be in an R with brings with it expectation.
What if you went to the grocery store and they didn't say hello, or if they asked someone else for a stapler. Or, worse if they start blaming you for the grocery store being out of something they want, or the stapler you lent them being broken.
I know, my analogies have got a bit elaborate ... I do have a point though.
Your W will blame you for everything going wrong in her life and you have to have the strength to listen to it calmly and not bite at every insult and accusation. The validation thread has good techniques and resources to help you with this.
Being a friendly neighbour can lead to expectations. You have to drop the expectations otherwise you will go crazy working out why she said this or she did that. She will do what she does. GAL. Meditate. Listen to pod casts about releasing anxiety and negativity.
Originally Posted by greenman
We also have a big trip planned with kids (before S) this year that we have to commit to soon. As of now we are going.
As you say, as of now, you are going on this trip. Don't initiate the conversation because it will lead to an R conversation and she is not ready to have one yet. That being said, if she comes to you and says she wants to cancel, then let her know that you understand her reasons and will cancel if that is what she wants.
greenman you've already got some good feedback here. I am a firm believer in the LBS wearing their ring,no matter what the WAS does, since they are still married. You mention it hinders GAL? How? GAL is not going out and meeting girls. It is staying busy. sandi and others are clear that you should avoid the bar scene at all costs. You know what is worse than R problems with a spouse? R problems with a spouse AND an OP.
As far as detachment, we all struggle with it. Every ounce of our fiber says pursue. Pressure. We think pursuit is how you "win" someone. We hate limbo and therefore pressure to get the WAS to make a choice. You are doing the right things here, and are on your way to detachment. Just remember, do not react to her words and deeds. That is true detachment. It isn't that her anger and criticism won't hurt. It isn't that her going out as a party girl, or having an EA r PA won't bother you. It is that no matter what she says or does you remain even. You remain upbeat. You remain fulfilled, You remain outwardly happy. Pleased.
As far as the trip. If you can get mostly detached, then I would say go. That might be contrary to DBing, but I see it as an opportunity to show her the new you.
I see no mention of IC. WASs are notoriously suspicious of the LBS' changes. IC is not only a way to cement your changes, but to show your WAS that you are serious about your changes. I'd seriously consider getting into IC if you are not already.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes I have gotten some good feedback and much appreciated.
I am definitely keeping the ring on. I caused some confusion with the ring affecting GAL. I think I meant affecting detachment as the ring is a constant reminder. However, the ring shows my commitment and what I am fighting for, so its on.
I do have an IC and the W knows this. W knows I am committed and changing, but as you say, is skeptical that they will last.
The trip is happening. I am looking at it the same way as you say. An opportunity to show change and have a good time. As far as detachment level...getting better, but I have to be honest in that I am still far from that. Getting better with no expectations. Still trying to grasp wanting someone/something and having no expectations and no pursuit.
We got into a R talk the other day, initiated by her regarding an event. I did say some things as I kind of had to, but mostly listened and validated. Overall, I was prepared and saw no negative effects.
Any R talk we have always end up with the idea that W thinks I can't change to her liking long term. All I can do is change what I think I need to and see what happens.
She needs to change also, but obviously cannot go there anytime soon.
Most LBS's talk their way out of the relationship by having R talks where they try to talk their WAS back into the R. Learn some validating phrases, learn how to withhold your "advice" for now.
If she states that she doesn't think you can change long term, just validate,or maybe ask a question if you don't understand. I can certainly understand why she is doubtful, it's hard for people to make changes.
Definitely don't discuss her changes yet. It might be many months or longer before she is ready.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I saw you mentioned LRT was required on another post for an LBS with an OM involved.
I have always wondered if LRT is required in my case or what line I ride on. No OM to my knowledge and no working on the R by the W. I am trying to keep hope against clear separation intentions by W. I am trying to GAL with myself and kids.
We do limited texting (almost daily about something coordination wise), some calls, events with kids, etc. See each other frequently on kids events and swaps of shared household.
I always respond, maybe not right away. Effectively I guess co-parenting.
