R2C, thank you. I've been trying #1 and it's def hard. I wish I had more opportunities to exercise #2!
He came by this afternoon and now I feel so, so much worse. He didn't realize I was home and he was coming to get the dogs. He came w/ a friend who he sometimes stays with here when his mom gets to be too much. He had never responded to my texts yesterday, and so I did try to talk to him about stuff (not R stuff but more of the anger he has at me right now re: boundary) and was definitely too clingy and coming from a fearful place. He is SO mad at me right now still for this crossing of a boundary that he said was OK to do? And he doesn't take ownership of any of it, and holds me responsible for him not enforcing his boundary? I said I really tried to ensure that it was OK, so I am confused. It is almost like he wants a reason to be mad at me, or is taking other anger out on me. We did both snap a little bit at each other, but also both tried to not? At the end when he was leaving, I asked what he wants to do going forward (we had plans to hang tomorrow that he didn't remember, and said he didn't know if he wants to do them now so I said well then let's talk for a minute, and that's when it escalated more). He said he didn't know, and I said well am I just supposed to pack up all of your stuff? And he angrily said sure and that he'd get it tomorrow. I said no, I don't want that. I did go to his car and kiss him on the cheek and say I was sorry and that I loved him, and that I didn't want to fight.
This was a bad backslide, and I am SO scared that he is harboring this much anger over something that frankly I do not understand. I don't understand being SO mad at me for doing something he said it was OK to do MULTIPLE times. It underlines how I feel about his IC (what IC says to blame other people for your own actions) being toxic. I am scared that this anger is clouding his mind and that he will forget all of the good things from this week. It's so hard to not text him and say I am so scared. I am having people over tonight, so I will be distracted soon and fully able to resist, but I feel so, so, so scared and bad. I know I have felt this way before about him being mad and then it subsided, but I feel I have more to lose right now.
