"Walking out of the Valley" 2.0

[hoosjim]

any suggestions for going out by yourself? Where do I go? I know the bar scenes are not good. I was thinking about an upscale party in a nearby city just to get to know people and communicate with other people. I have some contacts and friends that I could hang out with at some point. Most all of my friends are married and I do not want to intrude in their lives. Any suggestions? I wouldn't mind learning how to communicate better with females. I think this will help build my self-confidence.

honestly, I don't see anything intrinsically bad, wrong, or dangerous about frequenting bars. It really comes down to who you are, what frame of mind you are in, and what you are looking for. Now,obviously, if you are an alcoholic or otherwise have some problem with alcohol... In that case it's probably not the best place for you to hang out. Otherwise, if that sort of thing appeals to you, then I say go for it. In my own sitch, it was a key component of my get out and GAL strategy. I happen to like live music, and there was a fairly recently opened establishment near me that had an open-air patio, and live acoustic acts every day during happy hour from 5 till 8. I work out of my house on Thursdays, so I started going there at the tail end of my work day and finishing up my admin tasks on my laptop while having a beer or cocktail and listening to the music. I love to be outdoors, and I love music, and I enjoy a good pub, so going there was very therapeutic for me especially during the more difficult stretches of my ordeal. I befriended several members of the staff, including the owner, made the acquaintance of several regulars, and even made a couple of solid friends. I even lured out one of my older, college friends oneself had just gone through a divorce and I've become a bit of a recluse. Ended up renewing our friendship and I now play basketball with him and a bunch of other guys once a week as well. Like I said, it really depends on what you're looking for and what you're willing to put into it. For me, it was a little bit of a stretch outside of my comfort zone... I am a borderline introvert (I actually test about 50/50 between introvert/ extrovert whenever I take one of those personality type test) and going out to a bar by myself is not something that the pre- BD hoosjim whatever have done. That said, I am not so introverted that I am unable to talk to people who sit down next to me at a strange bar. My introversion tends to manifest itself more in also enjoying and valuing my alone time such as driving in the car, or reading a book or the like. So, going out like that was not something that was so antithetical to who I was as to be uncomfortable or detrimental. It was a step outside of my normal comfort zone, but, at the end of the day, one that proved to be an important growth opportunity, as well as something I ultimately enjoyed very much. So you're really kind of need to do an examination of self, and figure out if it is something you might want to try, but I wouldn't discard it just because some of the folks on here seem to think that bars are a bad idea. Even though I WOULD agree that you'd want to avoid them if you have a drinking problem, and I would also caution that you should be careful in your current state about hooking up with anyone right now-- not fair to either you or the other person, at this point. (Which is not to say that I think there's anything wrong with a little light flirting or bantering with members of the opposite sex... But start slow. More on that later.)

If you do decide to try bar going, I would suggest finding a place that is relatively busy, that is close enough for you might run into one or two people that you might know already, but has a big enough clientele that you are likely to meet new people as well. also, try to find a place that is at least partly populated by people in your own age group, and when you go, make it a point to sit at the bar, or the "common tables" or high tops, if they have them. Don't be afraid to strike up conversations with either the bar or wait staff, or with other patrons who sit down near you. It's my opinion that you can always find something in common with just about anybody. The rules for talking to women, are, in my opinion, pretty much the same is the rules for talking to anybody you just met. Be observant. Notice things about people. Ask them about those things. People love to talk about themselves. Sometimes you end up talking to people tell him you want to talk more, and sometimes you won't. It's a process, an adventure. There are obviously additional nuances to talking to females, some of which can be gleaned from some of the sources I mentioned before. A lot of it boils down to confidence, eye contact, etc. Noticing things about them is always good. As are compliments, but compliments should be specific (and, if possible, genuine, LOL). "I really like those earrings" or, "that's a cool tattoo, tell me about it", goes alot further and is more likely to lead to further conversation than just "You're very pretty/hot/etc". At the end of the day, it's mostly about confidence, showing interest in the other person (similar to validating), and also the ability to be a bit playful in conversational terms. Being able to make people genuinely laugh, especially women, pays big social dividends. There's also the whole pursuit and distance angle which works just as well on a micro basis, IE minute-to-minute, as it does on a macro basis oh, that is day to day. Get a girl laughing or some other positive reaction during conversation, and then find a reason to excuse yourself for a bit. We were wanting more. Be a bit mysterious. There's a certain amount of art to it, but a lot of the stuff (they're certainly by no means all, LOL) that you'll read in the pickup community is very valid, whether or not you're looking to pick someone up or just looking to be a more interesting conversationalist. I should note that I am by no means a pro at this, but I have found that there is a lot of validity to a lot of the principles, and that the more you engage in conversation with new people, and push your comfort zone a little, the better since you get for it and the better you get at conversation in general. With women or men.

I'm dictating this instead of typing it, and I'm also probably rambling a lot, so hopefully there's something of value to you in here.the main thing I would say is, no matter what then you you venture into, find a way to get out and meet new people. nothing wrong with reconnecting with old friends, as well, as I think that also has a lot of value. But I think it's also important to stretch and grow yourself a bit. Even the most introverted of people can learn to be more sociable and better conversationalist. Practice makes perfect.

Best of luck, and I hope you have a Happy New Year!