The past several days have been a whirlwind. Updates:
*He did call me Christmas evening to meet up with me. He thanked me for his presents, and said let's go get a drink. We did. We had a blast, and always have a good time just hanging out. He did, however, say that he really misses me, physically, and while he feels the same about his mindset, wanted to tell me that. I'd previously said (and meant) that I was OK with physical stuff during this as long as we are upfront. We went home, had sex, had a very long, good talk, and had more sex. In the talk, he said everything I'd suspected but needed to hear: he loves me, misses me, still feels the same, says everyone thinks he's being shitty, said he hasn't told people much b/c he doesn't want to look like a wimp, hasn't fully left yet because he is taking this seriously because we are married, knows his feelings may change for the better so doesn't want to call it quits too soon, even talks about me staying with him in his house far away if I want to see my IC in person (I Skype him, he lives in a diff part of state, but not near H). I listen, hold him, and validate. He clearly needed those things. He takes me to get my car in the morning, says he has IC that day, I make a joke about 'don't let her yell at you for banging me.' (Usually I feel there's significant backslide after he has IC).
*Thursday day, his family came to my work. Mom and bro said H is grumpy b/c thinks Mom is now on 'my side.' Was glad to hear this purely b/c H hadn't said anything about that during the previous night. Family now rooting for us to be together now that she's heard my side. Mom did tell him to call me on Xmas, he told her he was going to anyhow. His mom reinvites me to fam Xmas party on Sunday - I say I can't just show up.
*Thursday night - running group, I am one of the people running it. I stay away from H for the most part - am aloof/cordial but not cold. Afterwards, we all go to bar, and I get a nice level of fun drunk, and we do karaoke until midnight. H offers to take me home since I couldn't drive (was gonna uber), he ends up staying. On the ride home, he mentions how he missed having fun with me and he's glad we are being more social, as that was something he missed/was hurt by. Takes me to my car in the morning, is very sweet.
Saturday day, I call him in the morning b/c he messages me about watching the dogs during Xmas party. I tell him mom invited me, and asked if I could go, b/c wouldn't want to without his OK. He is initially angry/hesitant, but then softens. I ask many times and ensure it's OK. He says yes, then goes into a long story about how he is stressed about money, and it seems that's why he was so grumpy. I said come over and let's just hang out. He does. He immediately launches into wanting to talk (so I listen and validate) even though the point was to just hang. During this talk, he says more about money. I ask if he is scared to leave b/c I am a financial safety net. He says no. He opens up about not ever having to be alone as an adult with adult bills, and how he is trying to get through that. He says he is scared of falling back into old bad habits with me. I validate and say I am on the same page, and that I put a lot of time and effort to examine my pieces of that (that I shared with him during every MC session) and that I am not worried about my part at least. I cook us lunch, we eat, and then he starts another 20 min convo about specific joint finance actions if we get back together (this day was the first day he's ever used that phrase directly to me, and he did many times). I listened, agreed b/c it's what I'd want to do, too. It was nice to hear b/c this was a convo sans alcohol, and it at least showed that he has considered getting back together on some level, and put detailed thought into it. We go run errands and chill, then separate for the night.
Sunday morning I get ready for the party and go over there and call him on the way b/c I was early. He said he was out of the house b/c he was being super grumpy. We meet up, go in house together (party is at his mom's where he stays). He is being insane grumpy boss to everyone, hadn't taken his medicine. He starts to be grumpy at me, I ask if he'd rather I leave, he says no. He gets in shower, I try to leave anyhow b.c of him snapping at me, too, mom asks me to stay, so I do. Party begins, mid party I feel not great and go lay down briefly, H comes and finds me. H apologizes for the morning grumpiness, says he is very glad that I am there and that he should have realized how much more fun it'd be with me there (I created a drinking game based around his mom's typical phrases which did definitely enhance the time), then goes into how grateful he is for me in general and how supportive I've been. Very articulate, sweet, well thought out, so I appreciated that. At the end of the party, annual group pics come. H gets grumpy b/c now he's drank a lot, but I get in the pictures anyhow b/c his mom asks me to, and his bro's GF is also in them and they haven't been together super long. After everyone leaves, he wants to talk, so I listen. He then goes on what constitutes a 3-4 hour manic meltdown. I listened, validated. He just had a lot he needed to get out. Gist was he feels trapped at his mom's, doesn't want to go to his house 4 hours away, doesn't feel super comfortable at our house. Says he knows he's been manic the past 2 weeks and that it's getting worse. Opens up a ton more about his dad and his dad's abuse/treatment of him, and how he doesn't know if he can forgive what I did because of that. Says he has not talked about his dad in his IC (I do step in and say that'd need to be handled for us to progress, which is true). Says he feels isolated by his friends, no one listens/cares but me and his IC. He did snap at me some, and I said that is not OK to do. I said I will listen, but not be snapped at. When this is mostly done, we take a car ride, go get fries, etc. At the end of the night when I think things have calmed down, he then snapped at me again for trying to throw trash away myself outside. He goes in mom's house, slams door, I go to leave. He comes right back out, apologizes, hugs me. said he knows I am going through a lot, too, and he feels gulity that he can't be there for me. I said I know and understand, and that if I thought I couldn't handle emotionally listening, I'd leave. I have a lot of other support, so it's OK. I do like hearing him talk because it helps me understand more, see he's self aware, and take things less personally. We agree (I THOUGHT) that he'd call me in the morning to discuss dogs b/c I was supposed to camp Mon and Tues nights. He said if he feels comfortable he may stay at our house while I am gone, and I encourage that because I think he needs some space and it would also help him get more comfortable here.
Yesterday I never hear from him, and a situation arose where I did give my cabin up last night to someone else. I finally text around 3 and say don't worry about the dogs, as I haven't heard from you. He texts back saying he thought we had definitive plans. I call and say no, you said you'd call, but I am not angry. I then tell him I canceled camping and he BLOWS UP and hangs the phone up. Won't answer my calls. He then texts that he had IC and that he thinks I will never respect his boundaries and that I just do what I want b;/c I went to the party even though he didn't want me to. I text back nicely, validate, but do defend myself without being combative in terms of ensuring it was OK before I went, multiple times. I said I know he's going through a lot, and that he is very up and down, and I am here for him. I do actually suspect that he was upset about not being able to stay at our house and blew up at me about it. I wasn't sure if I want to camp tonight still, but I think it's good to go get my space and give myself a rest from the rapid developments over the past several days. I've now seen he can be self aware, and it helps temper my expectations. I did take yesterday overly hard b/c I still felt pretty fragile from the night before, and we had also discussed seeing each other Wednesday for a date, and didn't want that retracted. However, I think he wasn't actually going to tell me about the boundary piece of his IC, and used that as an excuse to blow up. I am still OK being patient and compassionate, and didn't blow up back at him.
I am aware that he uses me as an emotional outlet, and it's a weird spot because he has isolated himself, and has had a suicide attempt before, so I do want to be there but don't want to be caught in a cycle where he still feel he 'needs' me. He hasn't said that, and we did have a lot of emotional distance in the past several months. I am glad that over the past several days we have opened the lines of communication, at least.
