My Story

[DnJ]

Good Morning K

I’m a pretty big encourager of compassion. And that includes for yourself.

Be kind to yourself. There is no need to beat yourself up over your emotional responses. We’ve all done that - both cried, begged, plead and felt horrible after it.

You are right, she was looking for a fix; to see you still attached and on her hook.

I recall my XW and her smugness when lording over me with her absolute confidence in her story. At one point she was cruelly consoling me. That her and OM are soulmates and that if, and that’s an if not a when, I was to maybe ever find a companion that I would need do a better job and she my ex-wife could tell me all my faults so I would know what to fix but it would take around 2 hours and I was far to weak at the moment.

Bah. Pure garbage they spew. But that smugness is irritating and they seem so sure of their new life.

Breathe. Focus on you.

Of course your W is going to blame you. She cannot blame herself for all this. She’s in an emotional crisis - she cannot be wrong. Her psyche cannot handle reality right now. She will come back looking for justifications for her actions. She will come back to blame you. Do not get drawn into any relationship conversations.

I am glad you see this and your reaction to her. I am also glad you see your response to the aftermath of her; the funk you are currently in. Some people are clouded in denial about this and much else. Since you are not, you are already walking the path.

So what to do?

Think about what W said. I know her words are on loop right now in your mind. Stop that replaying! The big red stop sign, GAL activities, whatever works. Find your way to pause your run away emotions. You can resume them later for processing at your convenience. Yeah, the holy grail of emotional awareness - I know. But you can get there.

Anyhow, I said think - not feel - think about what she said. If there are some parts of truth in there, fine. Work on them. For you. Make yourself the best Kind18 you can be. A man she would be foolish to leave. This is very much for you.

Also limit your interactions with her. These conversations with W show you how, for the moment, she is not going to, nor is ready to, listen to reason. And she won’t be for quite some time, sorry to say.

Do not have a R conversion. When she bring it up, extract yourself from it. Be vague, bring up something else, or just leave the room - any of those is better than being dragged through a “Let’s blame H conversation”.

As I said, don’t beat yourself up. You are gaining valuable experience and will know better next time.

Every time before I go to see her, I read the 180s and Sandi’s 37 to pep me up and toughen my resolve to be kind but assertive.

W just drove past and decided to drop in with the kids and we talked about our R.

Nice to see you prepping before a planned visit with her.

This time appears to be a spontaneous visit from her. That is unlikely, she most likely planned her side and caught you unawares.

MLCer are an emotional mess. However they are driven to get what they feel they need. They will mow down anyone and anything that gets in their way. W needed her fix about blaming you. Her visit was probably planned and orchestrated for her to get it. She had a goal.

What can we maybe do for next time she shows up like that.

- “Oh, Hi W. I was about to go out. Sorry, you should’ve called.” And then go out somewhere. Don’t tell her where or anything about it.

- ”Thanks for bring the kids over for a visit.” When she bring up R talks - “I’m visiting the kids right now.” If she persists - “ We can talk about us later if you like.” Or “I see little point in discussing our relationship.” Whatever works for you.

- Welcoming her in. Paste a smile on your face, act as it. Enjoy the visit. And deflect any and all of her attempts at pulling you in.

It’s tough stuff. She knows all your buttons to push. You need to shut them off, which is more or less impossible - so you take back control from her. Push them yourself and get used to, and control of, your reactions. It amounts to shutting down her access to your inner self.

By the way, set backs happen. And they are forward movement. We need setbacks, as counterintuitive as that sounds.

Focus on you. Work towards detachment.

Your doing fine. Really.

And take it easy on Kind18. He’s a good guy and been through a lot.

DnJ