Psst….she doesn't control you and whatever improvements you need to make for yourself. Only you control yourself. If you have improvements that you know you need to make...then make them for YOU! Do not make the improvements with the mindset that you are doing it to win her back and/or get her approval. Changes/improvements are for you and you alone.
As for her bring up things from the past....yes, they do that all of the time. It's there way of justifying why they are doing what they are doing. Things that happened in the past, if you have apologized already, then that's it. No more listening to that tape. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and move on. The past is the past and we are all living in the present.
You know what she's doing with regards to the lying and manipulating of information, the best way to handle this is to ignore the BS and hold your head up high and do the best you can in showing her and the world that what she's saying isn't bothering you. Now, if someone comes up to you and asks about it, then you can state the truth of the matter...but she's doing all of this BS to beat you down to where she is right now...in the rabbit hole.
She never left the limbo land. She's been in it for some time and if it's not the OM that you know is in the picture, it could very well be another one....but it takes a lot of time for affairs to burn out and you want the affair to burn out on its own, i.e., it has to run it's course. If she decides to come back to you, make her work for it, i.e., she needs to earn your trust again and needs to be transparent in all things to do w/her life.
BTW, they do scream the word "divorce" all of the time...it is a way of controlling you and keeping you in line so that you are scared and will not say or do something that will make her look at herself in the mirror. Trust me, if a divorce is going to happen, it won't matter whether she's threatening you or not...but if I were in your shoes, I would make darn sure that I had my ducks in a row as to what to expect legally.
Detach, detach and detach! Ignore her behavior and live your life to the fullest. When she realizes that you don't give a fig about what she's doing, she just might change her tune a bit. Right now, she wants control and doesn't care how she gets it.
Dig deeper for patience, focus on you and your family and above all else live your life for you, i.e., make those changes that you think you need to make for you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
