When you demand a valid reason for her to swap the kids on her days, I can't help but think she is thinking WTF. Her business isn't your business! You aren't her dad! You either can or can't, keep it simple. She has to prove legitimacy to you? You know how this sounds?
And a 48 hour notice? I don't get that either. There might be a time when you want her to babysit for your social affairs, why not make the best of it?
Her inviting you to her family stuff is bad? Sounds like she is trying to be amicable, her folks are still your kids grandparents. If you don't want to go just say that but imagine you may portray a certain attitude to her when she asks this.
Your responses to her are super wordy and confusing. You're upset that she gave you the "first right of refusal" as you put it...why? You're just snooping her personal life bc you want to know if she's dating. You're full of pain and it is surfacing in the form of your anger and insecurities. You have to make a change there.
I'd attend her family's events occasionally too just to show them how big your balls are. Take the challenge, pass the test.
Ovrrnbw: Who said anything about a demand? I haven't demanded or asked anything from anyone or about anyone or their plans, and have kept all correspondence "Yes I can. Sorry I can't." Been responding that way since April. I like to K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Stupid.) in all correspondence now with XW and avoid long wordy responses and explanations. Especially as of lately. It is my resolve. Been more consistent with that lately. Your right Ovrrnvw. I'm not her Dad. I'm not her Husband either... Lol.. Her business isn't my business. I believe I clearly stated that in my previous post.
The 48 hr. notice boundary thing I put into place months ago as a result of XW always asking me for favors or time/child swaps for same day/last minute notice. AGAIN TO HER CONVENIENCE when I had already made plans ON MY TIME off. Which she obviously isn't/wasn't aware of because we stopped communicating during IHS and went to written form. The purpose of this boundary is for both individuals to have respect of their time, schedule, and proper planning. Also to prevent any confusion of conversations that may or may not have taken place in someone's mind, due to both parties barely talking. (Again it was being slightly abused and expected of me to drop all plans at a moments notice.)
Ovrrnbw. I also never said that being invited to family occasions was bad thing. You did.. Its actually a good thing. Its just a good thing Im not ready for in its entirety yet. In small doses and limited frequency. I had well known intentions of going to church with all of them Xmas Eve, but the circumstances changed quickly with FIL and his dementia bouts and moods. As a result, I made my own plans with a friend and S2, So when I was asked again, I actually was busy and had plans. (Please re-read my post.) But again its a minor annoyance to me at times, and the frequency of the invites. (I don't show it externally. I'm always friendly, happy, and cheerful during our short interactions when picking up S2. What I disclose here is not what I portrait in reality. But internally it annoys me sometimes.) Why? Because I've held onto the whole "We are not together as a family." Mantra which is so advocated here on DB forum since I arrived here. Some advocate it, some don't. Who's right? What works? It all depends on the individual and what they are comfortable with at that time. I do accept invites to some occasions. (Santa photos. Birthday's, Pumpkin Picking, Halloween, etc.) I'm honestly not snooping. IDGAF! About XW social affairs, what she is doing, who she is seeing, and where she is. I DONT WANT TO KNOW! I just don't want my time, or my good will to swap at a moments notice being abused and S2 being used as the catalyst for it. But as I said to IW I need to make it more about myself and S2 than myself and XW mentally.. And as either you or Ginger mentioned. That works both ways and may actually benefit me in the future. I need to be more mindful of that. I like planned routine, structure, and prefer for it to be adhered to. Its what's right for me. Life happens, plans change, not everything is static, there has to be some give and take and I get that. But for now. Let XW make plans on her own time off like I do. I just dont want to be taken advantaged of as the built in babysitter. Ill give and take here and there on occaision. (Again re-read my post. Or not.) Am I wrong for thinking this way? Who knows? As far as anger and insecurities. Ill agree with you mildly there. I wouldn't be writing all this stuff, looking or posting on here if I truly didn't GAF and was fully detached! But again. I don't display it externally. During all interactions I'm nice as pie, friendly, upbeat and cordial. But internally it crops up every now and again.
As far as how "big my balls are." about family occasions. Read again what I stated above. I attend some functions and not others based on my availability, and just whether I emotionally feel like it. Again. My feelings and my narrative isn't someone else's, and it is what is, and that's that. As far as "passing tests" I don't jump through flaming hoops for anyone unless it benefits myself and S2 first, and then those around me. Please don't misconstrue what I am saying here as selfish, inconsiderate or defensive either. Since everyone here advocates NMMG, and all the Alpha B.S. Going dark. LRT, being short worded, scarce, GAL, staying busy and productive, focusing on individual purpose, etc. Certain behaviors, etc. I put myself first unless I want to help, or co mingle in a non co dependant way. Is it manipulation tactics in a way? Well? That's complicated. There is a difference between actually fully moving on with your life, actually being occupied, and just acting like it. And something in between. I'm at something in between right now. When an invitation comes up it just depends on how I feel, and whether Im actually busy or not. Also comes down to mindset. XW and in-laws think we are still a family. I think we are not. I don't see it that way right now. Could I be more receiving and open to it? Change my mindset on it. Sure. But Im not fully ready. When Im ready. I'm ready. Sometimes I will accept for the sake of S2 or just whether I feel like it.
Im not the kind of person that goes along to get along emotionally, or make conversation to fill voids of silence. I am a profound conversationalist. But I also wear my heart, my emotions, and intentions on my sleeve, and it shows. If im not in a good overall place. It shows. If I am in a good place. It really shows. That can change by the hour, day, or week. I can regulate my emotions fairly ok, but need to really improve on it and my thoughts. Ill never change that about myself and don't want to. I always believe vulnerability is an asset not a liability. Who you choose to show it to, when why, where and how, is another story. I'm not the kind of person that has a filter and is vocal. Tactfulness possibly given the situation, but I don't filter and Im working on that. Im a loud mouth shoot from the hip no b.s. kind of guy. I can be very empathetic and compassionate AS LONG AS I DONT LET MY OWN EMOTIONS GET THE BEST OF ME in a situation.
But. There is no point to me attending all joint family functions until I heal completely. No point of making shallow awkward conversation. Talking about the weather, the mall, or other ice breaker topics with people I was once intimate with in conversations. Awkward silences on my part or theirs. No thanks. Again I've done post BD gatherings with them. Sometimes its great. Others its awkward for me. Just depends on my mood. No point of me attending if I am going to remain talkative with MIL and quiet with BIL. and XW. They can't rush it. I can't rush it. I've made my point clear to them with that. Im not going to sit around my XW and her family and pretend like nothing is wrong, acting all friendly like nothing happened. I lost my house, my W, my family, my authority and respect as a H, my BIL moved in, W took over the house and mortgage, and exited the M. I have compassion for all of their circumstances. I really do. FIL Dementia, BIL recently D. MIL 2nd bout with Cancer. XW. MLC and transition. But I'm only willing to put the olive branch out so far at times until I fully heal. Im not willing to be vulnerable to anyone if they aren't willing to be vulnerable with me. Could these invitations possibly spark that? I guess Ill never know. XW hasn't changed course or interactions, so why should I? There's a limit with how much Im willing to be vulnerabke. There is no right or wrong about the way I feel. It just is. You see their removed behaviors and actions have caused me to remove myself even further to the point of going completely dark with them. Except MIL. They don't get to take all these actions even though I know their intentions were for different reasons, some having absolutely nothing to do with me, is nothing personal, and are not trying to intentionally hurt me. But they don't get to do all these things, and then for right now, expect me to be all happy happy joy joy and play family when it suits them.
If I wanted to K.I.S.S. and be less wordy in my last post I could have simply asked the board here. "How do I confront XW without being confrontive, or being belligerent about always asking me to swap on my time off" Address my concerns of being taken advantage of. Fear of manipulation without making a big deal or fuss over it. Have them understand it, respect it, and more importantly FOLLOW IT!
Some of you might argue I need a attitude adjustment. Well that waxes and wanes with fluctuating thoughts and circumstances. I'd rather be married than be right. But... If Im not going to be married I might as well be right. On my own terms. My two time platonic friend date said something interesting to me last month that really stuck with me in conversation. Something along the lines of "Its important to observe the thoughts that we have, but its more important of the meaning to ourselves that we give it."
There were two other significant things I was going to put in here yesterday while I was writing this but I forgot. My thoughts for today are with 2020 approaching tomorrow is. This place is my emotional addiction amongst other things. I'm starting to wonder that the people like myself and others who frequent here are people who are emotionally stuck. I can't figure out at this time for the life of me why some days or weeks I'm perfectly okay with divorcing and moving on with my life. How sometimes I look at things that weren't good for me in that relationship and I'm okay. I'm detached for a time. When I have my short interactions with XW while picking up S2 I'm okay with the way things are and the way they're going. It's kind of like I don't miss the negative attributes that don't suit me in her and the R, but sometimes I think about the positive attributes that brought laughter joy and smiles understanding sometime in the past.
Maybe I need to really put this place, all relationships, my phone, my sich, You Tube, self introspection, my XW, my family, and other distractions in my life down for a while. Sit down, write out a list of what I want my life to look like in all areas of it for the next year or two, and progressively work torwards it. GAL, Finance, Career, Social, Personal Development. Spiritual, Habits, etc. I've been grateful for all good small moments this last year. But for the most part have been quite isolated. Its serving me to think and to self introspection and heal. But it isn't taking my life in the right direction. I want to be alone for right now, but not for long, and not forever. I want to see a new person come out of this. One that I don't even recognize, but still keeps his principles. I know what I want. I just need to write it out and stick to it. My habits and thoughts and the meaning I assign to it really need to change.
