Journalling again. During another long night of insomnia, I wrote down everything I wish I could say to MIL, then slept like a baby. In a good way! There was a real physical relief in getting these thoughts out of my head.
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Hi MIL,
H sent me an email which indicated that your family wants more time with S1. He said you don't have enough time to do the activities you want to do with the kids. If you do have an issue with this, you are welcome to discuss it with me directly. But I want to make it very clear that I will not tolerate manipulation, guilt, or pressure from H or your family regarding the custody arrangement.
The current arrangement was agreed upon in August and signed by both parties. It has been approved by my solicitor and psychologist as being in the best interest of the child. Sole custody is what happens when you divorce with an infant child. When I was begging him to stay for our child's sake, H coldly informed me that he understood how it worked, and it wasn't a good enough reason to stay.
When H cancels visits, it is me who comforts my child's disappointment. When he forgets that it's his afternoon to visit, it is me who cancels my plans to cover for him. When he fails to inform me he is running late for his morning visit, it is me who misses my train to work while I wait. When he forgets to send bottles, milk, clothes to daycare, or loses them during his time, it is me who replaces them.
I have spent our entire relationship compensating for H's shortcomings. His laziness, his procrastination, his unwillingness to participate in family time, his video game addiction, his prioritisation of friends, work, and hobbies over his wife, his inability to put someone else's needs before his own, his inability to communicate. I refuse to compensate any longer.
I was not a perfect wife, but nothing I did or did not do warranted the abandonment, emotional abuse, and continued mistreatment I have suffered. As a reminder, H betrayed his wife and destroyed his son's family when he decided to leave us to fool around with a 21 year old co-worker named OW. If you weren't aware of this, I'm sorry to break it to you, but I think you know he would never have admitted it.
You are entitled to support him despite his lying, cheating, cowardly behaviour and I do not hold that against you. I understand that he's your child and you love him no matter what. But any insinuation that the current situation is unfair to H is laughable coming from a man who continues to demonstrate a lack of integrity, courage, or the ability to do the right thing.
I want to explain how things currently stand in case H is muddying the waters with half-truths and lies by omission. It is my choice to have no contact with him after he called me a b!tch in front of my child. It is my choice to not allow him in my house after he verbally abused me. It is my choice to stop trying to save this marriage because of who he has shown himself to be.
None of these choices affect the custody arrangement. I communicate what is legally required to be shared. I never withhold or change the parenting time that was agreed upon. He has the opportunity to make the most of his parenting time and he chooses not to. In his own words, "I know I'm not doing what's best for my child but I don't care because I'm doing what's best for me".
Finally, I want to remind you that the legal standpoint of any family law case is that the child has rights and the parents have responsibilities. Parents do not have rights. Simply being a father does not entitle H to anything unless it is in the child's best interest. The same goes for myself. As the custodial parent, however, I do have decision-making abilities. I also have the right to know where and how my child is being cared for while not in my custody.
I know H has made out that I was some sort of control freak who made his life so miserable that he was willing to give it all up just to get out from under my all-powerful thumb. Search your heart and ask yourself if this is believable. If I was so controlling, how was he able to start an affair without me having any inkling that he was even unhappy?
I understand if I don't see or hear from you again.
