I can put it succinctly... what is best for me is to have a better situation with my kids and finances. This has nothing to do with my W's thoughts or feelings or circumstances.
I think it's easy to justify falling on your sword when the WAS manipulates you into believing that it's all your fault.
True.
My point was that I have been getting a lot of feedback here which confirms what I already know... I'm starting to do exactly what I accused my W of doing. Finding fuel to motivate me to take the next step. I need to focus on myself, and stop worrying about what she is thinking or why she is doing what she is doing.
The existing situation with my kids and money is not sustainable or acceptable to me. Thus I need to take action, or I am continuing to perpetuate my own suffering. That's it.
I contacted some mediators yesterday, and e-mailed my W about our options.
Then I went on a long hike in the mountains. It was basically a 2 hour meditation... constantly catching my wandering mind as it tried to think about my situation, and bringing it back to the moment. The sound of the rain, the cool breeze, the smell of wet leaves, the looming fog, the incredible rock formations carved by the ocean millions of years ago. Then my mind would wrestle back control and have me thinking about lawyers and next steps and I would gently bring it back.
