I think her goal is managing a long separation while the kids are young so she can avoid going back to work as long as possible. She has never actually stated a goal. But it's clearly not to work on the MR.
Be careful mind-reading, here - it could be anything. Step out of "the why", you stop going because you don't want to go with someone who won't work on the MR. You have a boundary here, and you set it.
Guilty as charged on the mind-reading.
I think it's okay to periodically mind-read as long as it's a shallow dive and not one where I spend a lot of energy or time on it. And also as long as I don't assume I've arrived at "the answer" - which was my mistake above.
I think trying to mind-read is only going to cause you more pain. If you are okay with that then that is your choice. But for my own sanity I had to stop.
You asked me once how I was able to be so patient. The biggest 180 I could have done - I stepped one hundred percent completely out of my W's mind. I had to. After much reading, and following the advice of very wise posters here like AS, LH, LB, Neffer, and reading the wise words of vets like sandi2 and AmyC, I completely surrendered to the unknown. I have zero idea what she is thinking.
Originally Posted by unchien
The fact is, it is absolutely to her benefit to drag this out, and it is to my benefit to make this as short as possible. The reasons don't matter, but the incentives to each of us are clear.
U - I'm really not trying to be mean, here - but flip the perspective for a second. Do you really think there will be any benefit to an unemployed woman with 3 young kids who has suddenly decided to abandon her husband and lost their house? Does that sound like the decision of someone who is thinking logically?
Yes you are hurt, yes you are angry, yes you feel burnt. We all feel that way too. But you are the one who understands exactly what his situation is and understands the logistics of how to deal with it. You're a smart guy and you're not in crisis. I would suspect your W has not even begun to feel the sting of her decisions.
