Alright need a little advice again in handling situation properly. 2x4 me if anyone thinks I'm mind reading. Ill try and keep it short.
My experience and observation on patterns of behavior with XW over a span of 9 months is when she wants to swap custody dates. This has been CONSTANT, this and frequently trying to get me involved in joint affairs with S2 and XW's family. The swap requests typically are on my days off to benefit her "social affairs." Unless I am provided with a valid reason for doing such from her. I have made it clear time and time and time again with the date swaps and shared family occasions I keep getting invited to, that if there is a swap it has to be 48hrs notice at minimum. I know its none of my business what XW is doing during her "social affairs." Or time off from S2. That's fine. I don't ask. But if she doesn't reveal reasons for swap, then I don't accept the request. (Please keep in mind this is not about control for me over her. This is about secrecy, and the potential of being manipulated.)
I'm willing to bend when she volunteers a valid reason to swap, but at every request to swap with no reason I ignore, or reply "Sorry but I can't" with no reason given in return. Even if there are equal exchanges at times for swaps, which there are... We both have been fair and willingly reciprocative with that. Like if I do her a favor and watch him for an occasion, she will give me a date of my choosing off.
But the real reason for me doing this especially even more frequently as of lately is because I feel I am being manipulated into watching S2 at helm and desire of her social schedule. I should be grateful to spend more time with S2 AND I WANT TO. I really miss him at times. But I don't want to contribute to XW's plans to socialize, go on dates (not confirmed just speculation.) and other social occasions where she wants me to "be the built in babysitter for."
Here is where I am getting my mindset and reasoning from based from experiences. XW always texts and asks and presses my ETA for S2 pickups on some days/nights but not others. She has frequent weeknight appointments, therapy, support groups. That I already know about that she has barely revealed to me. Ok fine. I get that. That holds legitimacy for ETA pressing and possible custody swaps at times. Where I am having a problem is her asking me to do swaps or exchanges when it benefits her socially on my scheduled time off especially when the agenda is hidden in secrecy. I refuse to contribute to that.
Examples
10/28 6:24am XW:I know I mentioned this last week, but I have a scheduling issue this Sunday, 11/3. Are you able to take S2 for the day? I would need from 9-3. Please let me know by this evening, so I can make arrangements if need be.
IH: Sorry, I can't. Brother and I will be moving half day Saturday and all of Sunday. This was my moving weekend and I'm pretty sure you were aware of that. Let me think about it, and I'll get back to you if something is workable.
XW: Originally it was my weekend off, and you asked to switch because of the move. My plans were made months ago. If you are able to take S2 during the day Sunday , id be willing to give you Friday night off. Ill look into other arrangements, but if anything chages, let me know.
IH: Right. You had a mention/discussion about a week or two ago about Nov. 3rd but no mention of time frame. 9am-3pm is the first I am hearing of it. I have fulfilled my two straight weekends of watching S2 on Oct 12th, 13th, 18th and 19th as part of the swap arrangement for Oct 26, 27th, Nov 2nd and 3rd.
My plans have changed as far as Brother's availability to help me move. So its a matter of necessity/convenience and not luxury. Even if I was to swap this Friday for Sunday, it still doesn't change my plans that Brother is available half day Saturday and full day Sunday to help move. I will get back to you tonight if there is something workable with Brother Otherwise I will be waiting possibly 2-3 weeks to move my stuff out of the garage.
XW: You dont nwed to change your plans. I just wanted to see if you were able to.watch S2 Sunday. Ill make arrangements for him on Sunday
12/13 e-mail 8:43am Overnight Request:
XW: I wanted to ask if you would be able to take S2 overnight on Sunday, January 19th. I realize it's technically a weeknight, but the following day is MLK day so S2 will be off from daycare. If need be, I could arrange for my mom to watch him the next day if you dropped him off at her place in the morning on your way to work. It would require that you go in to work a little later, but you wouldn't have to miss the day. I wanted to ask you first before anyone else. Let me know if you're able and willing. -XW.
IH: Sorry I can't.
(Here she presumes I'm willing to miss hours at work which I desperately need. Then phrases the end of the paragraph "I wanted to ask you before anyone else." In other words she's giving me right of first refusal and courtesy using S2 and my parental guardianship as a ploy.) Now although she doesn't mention it and possibly doesn't know that I know this. 01/19 the real reason she is asking me is because her GF is getting married on the 20th and XW is in the bridal party. Hotel for 20th and 21st So 01/18 - 01/19 is most likely the bachelorette party. I saw those well laid plans over 6 months ago from her own handwriting, and I wasn't shocked but wasn't impressed. So I know what that agenda entails.
I think I have only asked for two swaps the entire year revolving around my personal life. One was for Sat. OT back in July (Business related.) The other was for my birthday past. Otherwise all my social affairs revolve around my own time off and I plan them accordingly. She has CONSTANTLY BARRAGED ME with swap requests with no reasons given most of the time revolving around my time off.
These are just my beliefs based off of my consistent observations with her. Its like in a way she is saying "Don't you want to spend more time with S2.?" as the emotional bait to get the social conveniences to her advantage. She has done this repeatedly ALL YEAR LONG! I believe to pull at my heart strings to spend more time with S2 on my time off and use it to her convenience. So what I believe is. If I also refuse without good cause it can be potentially used against me either in her own mind, or potentially in court, if it ever goes that far.
So this is the way Xmas went with me. Family bailed on me for Xmas Eve. Just me and S2.
MIL invited me to either 4pm or 12am church since she's playing the organ on Xmas Eve. I find out from MIL that XW is going at 4pm and BIL will go at 12pm (Due to FIL having dementia.)
I give XW ETA of S2 pick up of 2pm 12/24. I ask XW in text:
IH: Q.Q. would you like S2 to experience the nativity scene at church today with you and your mom with the rest of the kids?
No reply. I ask about this in person. XW says she's not attending 4pm church due to FIL having a bad day and is going over there to watch him. I reply to MIL: IH: Sorry to hear FIL is having a rough time today. I do hope the both of you find comfort in the Lord you have an amazing performance at church today. Thank you for the gift I haven't opened it yet.
Literally minutes after I leave XW house with S2. MIL replies: MIL: Thanks IH....FIL is better now....this stuff comes and goes..but things r moving towards the VA home meeting on jan 9. Feel free to come by later if u want..it will be BIL, XW, FIL and i for hordeurves after church..nothing fancy. Hope like your gift...I know can use it....🎄
IH: I just picked up S2. XW told me she was coming over to watch FIL while you go to play the organ for for service.
IH: I was actually hoping to attend service with S2 but since he hasn't napped yet we might miss the 4 p.m. service.
MIL: Well if u decided to come...u could be up in the balcony where I am..S2 could see everything...then leave when u need to...the animals are adorable.
IH: I actually have a friend stopping over at 5pm.
MIL: Whatever u decide...merry cmas...just know.....holidays u are ALWAYS included here...the decision is always yours. XW feels the same.
12/24 This comes in from XW at 3pm. XW: If youre up for it, you should come by my parents later for apps around 5. Its just my parents me and BIL.
IH: I would really like that but I have company at 5pm.
XW: Ok, no worries.
I had a friend stop over Christmas Eve on his way up to his sister's house. He is also my bandmate. Despite being letdown by immediate family. After I went through all the trouble of cleaning, decorating, buying all of food preparing all the meals, etc. My family bailed on me at the last minute for the sake of "maintaining tradition" at my mothers cat filth infested hoarder house, and since I don't feel safe there with S2 I wasn't about to bring him over there and I was very clear about that. The whole purpose of doing Christmas Eve traditions at my home was so that we could all be together including S2 without having all of the hazards or grief. There was also very poor communication on both my brothers part despite me having the agenda convo with one of them one week prior. So it was myself S2 and friend Xmas Eve. It was good. I was grateful, and it taught me an important lesson about expectations, disappointment, and who really wants to be in your life and who is worth your time.
12/25 XW: Would you be willing to pick up half and half when you bring S2?
IH: Sorry I don't have a lot of time today. XW: Ok
Here I compromised and brought XW my some heavy cream for her shindig at her house with her family. She actually bought me a bottle of bourbon since she knew I wanted to make eggnog. Gave me a very thoughtful gift from herself, and a present from S2. I gave her a Lavendar bath set since I know she loves Lavendar from S2. I was on my way down to nieces Xmas party with Mom.
IH: Thank you again for the Bourbon. XW: YW!
12/26 XW took BIL out for 30th birthday and planned on being home late. At request I watch S2 overnight and drop him off 5:45 am on 12/27. Had to get him up at 4am He was good eating breakfast, until I got in the shower with him. Threw a 40 minutes tantrum. Ususally he's good about showering together. But he has been extremely fussy and temperamental the last couple of months. Emotions are all over the place. Welcome to terrible twos. The first 1.5 years he was so chill.
XW: Did you want the night off? Im home tonight and can watch S2 as an exchange for last night. (Out with BIL. and company for 30th.)
I go to XW house anyway Fri to pick up S2. He's sleeping so I leave him there. My weekend off Sat and Sun.
12/27 email. XW: I realize that next Tuesday ( new years eve) is my night with S2, so I planned to stay home for the night. Would you be interested in having any time with him during the day?
I don't respond.
12/29 text XW: Did you see my email about New Years?
I don't respond.
12/29 Missed Call and VM. (I let it go to VM.) XW: (Driving. Very matter of fact tone. Pauses not to reveal too much in between sentences not to reveal too much.) "Hey its me.. Um..I texted you and also emailed you... But Um...I'm trying to work out the schedule for NYE. So Uh...if you can call me back when you get a chance? Um... I'm going to be out for a little bit this evening.. But...Um...You can call me either tonight or tomorrow... Alright bye."
Now my mind is wondering? If she's going to be out on Sat evening on her weekend with S2 Who's watching S2? BIL? Also from my previous observations when I was living in M home. XW was VERY UNLIKELY TO LEAVE HOUSE WITH S2 unless for day errands. Never went out at night on weekends with S2. Even during IHS. Sounds like shes amping up her social life to the max for 2020.
I don't respond.
XW calls again tonight. I don't answer. So 1 email 1 text message 1 VM and 2 phone calls in a 48 hr. Period All over. A half a day on NYE which is her day anyway to watch S2 and my night off. Whatever her social arrangements are. MUST BE REALLY IMPORTANT and last minute since she didn't mention the topic Fri when I went to pick up S2. Again if you re-read the email she sent regarding this. She plays it off as "Would you be interested in having any time with him during the day?" For her to call me twice, leave me a VM, text message, and email over the matter. It must be to suit her social agenda, and she's eager to get back to somebody with confirmation. She wouldn't go through all that trouble if she didn't.
MIL even sent me a "Whoops that last message was meant for XW." Shortly after XW called me earlier and I didn't answer.
MIL: I tried so hard not to open the box of candy...till tonight!😳 Woops..candy message was .....for XW...looks like I'm getting everything mixed up lately. Hope u r doing ok.....
(Wonder if MIL sent it out intentionally as a test response because I didn't answer any of XW's correspondence?)
Ill probably respond back tomorrow. "Thanks but I have to work NYE during the day." Which is true.
Now I know I know. Her business is her business and mine is mine. That's fine. But that doesn't mean I have to placate to it or encourage it when I see more Red Flags than a Chinese Parade. My guess? Started talking to someone at BIL's event. Wants to make day plans. Don't know who with. I could be paranoid, I could be wrong? Who knows. But the thing is. Since April. She only tells me about family events and whereabouts voluntarily. Anything else related to her, her friends, her appointments, her rendezvous, etc. Complete secrecy whether significant or insignificant.
Ok time for everyone to club me over the head with 4x4's. Whether Im right or wrong in presuming things or mind reading without facts. Im not even going to go there. Again her business is her business. But that doesn't mean I can't observe her behavior just to make sure I am not being manipulated. Whether I'm wrong or right in my presumptions. Im not willing to do any more swaps or entertain any more date swaps without just cause. But on the same hand I don't want to be intrusive and ask the why every time as it is none of my business. But I do expect some sort of explanation or legitimacy for it. If I don't get one, I don't honor the request. I'm even to a point now where I'm not even going to respond to them unless XW gives just cause for it. Im certainly not going to entertain custody date swapping if she wants to go out on dates in the future whether in the open or in secret. I've lost enough over this. My M, my family, my home, and my sense of self worth which I am starting to gain traction with in my solitude. Realizing give as only as good as you get, and train people to treat you the way you want to be treated. Time is of the essence. Have healthy boundaries, self respect. Drive and purpose. Now. Since I've repeatedly asked for certain boundaries, rules and conditions about "playing family" when we are no longer a family. Over and over and over. And I still repeatedly get invited to stuff. It a hard for me to tell if her and her family want me there "as the child's father" out of guilt? Out of sincerity? Maybe a little bit of both? Or if XW is reaching out. (I highly doubt it because I'm only invited when it involves S2 or joint stuff.) Or if she's using S2 as a dangling carrot. Again in they're minds? "Why can't we all just be friends and get along." In my mind: "I've never had a friend take my home, my family, my mortgage, pretty much my life and do it in secrecy, only to be transparent later when actions were required to proceed forward in getting their way." Who needs friends like that?
I have confronted XW about these things so many times that I just want to ghost her and not respond every time this comes up just to see if she gets the message. Its either that. Or I am going to have to have a hard talk again (which probably won't be respected and forgotten.) But will have to do so in a way where I am assertive that she makes her plans on her own time. Not mine, and not to just expect me to swap dates ever again without just cause or explanation. (Again I know its none of my business.) But I want to know if it is worth what I am sacrificing my time and plans for when I don't have S2 and she wants to swap to suit her social needs, whether it's appointments, GF'S, dating. Whatever. I don't like secrecy. Never have never will. Give me full transparency blunt force trauma. Even if it means she is dating. I'm a big boy I can take it. Im tired of this secrecy "I have plans.. Im busy...I have an appointment Sorry I can't." cat and mouse game B.S. I hate games. I don't like having them played on me and I don't like playing them. This is what she does. She makes all these plans with whomever people first. Sometimes months in advance. Then expects me to swap the week of with no explanation most of the time. Not doing it sorry. Now I know some of you here will probably say something to the effect of "Well what XW reveals to you has a lot to do with levels of trust right now. So don't expect XW to tell you anything." So as long as she responds this way then so will I. But I could use advise on how to confront her with balance and respect while still remaining assertive but not overbearing. Sometimes I'm not sure of myself if Im being too hard.
Im just tired of playing these incognito mystery distance games. I feel like we are both manipulating each other to a degree. But what am I to do? I'm not even sure if I'm overbearing and defensive and pushing people away by thinking and acting this way. But I kind of have to be. In a polite and excusable way, because in the past. I've been known to make too many points and be very confronting and making a big deal about my feelings, what bothers me, and how I want and need things, in making my point in the past just to never have it honored or respected, so why not try a different more distant subtle approach? I figured silence would speak volumes. And since nothing has changed torwards R in the last year. I'm actually enjoying going silent on everyone that has disappointed me. XW Family included. I need to be valued more for my sacrifices, efforts, hard work and consideration. I feel very undervalued and underappreciated by these people. I know its a little manipulative of me. But I'm not doing it for a desired outcome. Im doing it because I actually need space from these people, and would rather give my time to other people that really want to spend time with me.
Somebody smash me over the head, because it's hard for me to discern and trust myself for thinking this way.
